SPRING'S SHOE PORN-A-PALOOZA!

It may be April Fool's, but shoes are super serious business. (They are in my book.) When names like Louboutin, Choo, and Blahnik are being bantered about, there's no time for jokes. Shoes can make or break first impressions, relationships, even nations ... remember Imelda Marcos? Exactly.

Almost 2,000 pairs to her name ... 

currently housed in the Imelda Marcos shoe museum.

Even though some parts of the country still haven't thawed, Spring 2015's in full swing. From funky flats, flatforms (flat platforms), leggy lace-ups, and sexy strappery to crazy colors, cage-y gladiators, mod mules, and a nod to western, it's a foot fetishist's paradise. Whew.

Fashionistas fantasize about cavernous walk-ins just for their precious Pradas and Puccis, while men fantasize about watching them walk across the room bare-ass naked in sky-high Brian Atwoods. Doused in candlelight ... champagne chilling ... the sensual strains of Marvin Gaye setting the mood. Baby, it's the stuff pin-up dreams (and, um, hardcore shoe porn) are made of. 

Here's a rundown of Spring's hottest heels this side of Saks. (And don't forget to schedule time for pedicures as you'll want to rock your socks off. Literally. No socks.) May your credit card run amok as much as your dizzying senses when you catch a whiff o' these beauties. Not sure about you, but I love the smell of lamb leather in the morning. 

To quote Marilyn Monroe, "Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world." Get ready for battle, mein liebchens, this season's all about total badassery. And now, some must-have picks that'll make even the chicest hooves howl with sheer shoe-tastic glee.

Gucci'll put some spring in y'er step with these hella hot heels.

Gucci Take Two:

Couldn't decide ... so I bought them both. 

Chanel's flat-abulous take is pure glam.

Kicking some serious ass in Rodarte. 

Donna Summer would toe wrestle you for these Versace-chi 

treasures that harken to the days of Studio 54.

Who wouldn't want to live in a state of total Tom Ford-gasm?

T-strap-tazzary at its best ... sex on heels by Guy Laroche.

All laced up and ready to show ... bitchin' in Balmain. 

Pucci's western-inspired boots will have every cowboy

within a 50-mile radius watchin' y'er two-step.

They defy rhyme and reason, but I'm always

mad for McQueen.

Ground control to Major Som ...

Peter Som's flats are out of this world.

Prada perfection. Mules never looked so good.

More Versace, more mules. More is better.

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