SPRING'S SHOE PORN-A-PALOOZA!

It may be April Fool's, but shoes are super serious business. (They are in my book.) When names like Louboutin, Choo, and Blahnik are being bantered about, there's no time for jokes. Shoes can make or break first impressions, relationships, even nations ... remember Imelda Marcos? Exactly.

Almost 2,000 pairs to her name ... 

currently housed in the Imelda Marcos shoe museum.

Even though some parts of the country still haven't thawed, Spring 2015's in full swing. From funky flats, flatforms (flat platforms), leggy lace-ups, and sexy strappery to crazy colors, cage-y gladiators, mod mules, and a nod to western, it's a foot fetishist's paradise. Whew.

Fashionistas fantasize about cavernous walk-ins just for their precious Pradas and Puccis, while men fantasize about watching them walk across the room bare-ass naked in sky-high Brian Atwoods. Doused in candlelight ... champagne chilling ... the sensual strains of Marvin Gaye setting the mood. Baby, it's the stuff pin-up dreams (and, um, hardcore shoe porn) are made of. 

Here's a rundown of Spring's hottest heels this side of Saks. (And don't forget to schedule time for pedicures as you'll want to rock your socks off. Literally. No socks.) May your credit card run amok as much as your dizzying senses when you catch a whiff o' these beauties. Not sure about you, but I love the smell of lamb leather in the morning. 

To quote Marilyn Monroe, "Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world." Get ready for battle, mein liebchens, this season's all about total badassery. And now, some must-have picks that'll make even the chicest hooves howl with sheer shoe-tastic glee.

Gucci'll put some spring in y'er step with these hella hot heels.

Gucci Take Two:

Couldn't decide ... so I bought them both. 

Chanel's flat-abulous take is pure glam.

Kicking some serious ass in Rodarte. 

Donna Summer would toe wrestle you for these Versace-chi 

treasures that harken to the days of Studio 54.

Who wouldn't want to live in a state of total Tom Ford-gasm?

T-strap-tazzary at its best ... sex on heels by Guy Laroche.

All laced up and ready to show ... bitchin' in Balmain. 

Pucci's western-inspired boots will have every cowboy

within a 50-mile radius watchin' y'er two-step.

They defy rhyme and reason, but I'm always

mad for McQueen.

Ground control to Major Som ...

Peter Som's flats are out of this world.

Prada perfection. Mules never looked so good.

More Versace, more mules. More is better.

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SPRING 2015 ... ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?

Altuzarra-gasm.

Hola Geishanistas!

Spring 2015's new trends are waiting to be plucked like the first tulips of the season, but here's the catch. (There's always a catch.) You'll def want to look like a fresh-cut bloom and not yesterday's sod. (Or even worse, clearance rack mulch. That's just stinky and hurts everyone's eyes.)

Pull off Seventh Avenue's finest by translating the best of what's walking down the runway (colors, patterns, fabrics, etc.) into what actually works well on you. Novel idea? I'm a firm believer in NOT acting your age and feel there's always a way to incorporate trends ... if you stay true to yourself.

So keep it real, chicas. I repeat: mulch is never the end goal, especially when days are longer and hibernation goes into er, well, hibernation. It's "see and be seen" season so to quote my beloved Tim Gunn, "Make it work!"

Be bold, be daring, be the quirky, risk-taking fashion beast you were born to be ... only be all that after a careful once-over in a full-length mirror, please. Remember, style's an extension of one's personality — without saying a word. (Let's not make those unspoken words four-letter ones.) Trends, conversely, can easily end up wearing you. Kinda like a 22-carat diamond, but I can deal. (Please and thank you.)

Check out my must-haves (as well as a few that simply intrigue me), but it's up to you to figure it out!

1. Shirtdresses
Aunt Georgina wore'em and you will too. With slits to the sky, dropped waists, and delicious details, these are anything but a throwback to the days of Donna Reed.

Altuzarra-vishing. 

(Yes, I'm beyond obsessed with their collection.)

2. Urban Safari
Talk about born to be wild. From camo-inspired to fern patterns and khaki chic, bust out the binoculars as the Serengeti comes to you.

Modern twist on "Out of Africa" ... courtesy Ralph Lauren.

3. Statement Stripes
Crisp, graphic, and playfully placed, designers across the board showed their true stripes — strategically sizzling in every imaginable silhouette.

Givenchy gives good stripe.

4. Shoulder Power
Ditch the image of David Byrne (Talking Heads) in that way-famous, wide-shouldered suit he wore circa 1980-something ... au contrere. Bared, bronzed, and bodaciously buff, shoulders are now the new navel.

Balmain bad-assery at its best. 

5. Gingham
Mama mia! Picnic tables and calzone cooks aside, designers are thinking out of the checked box with subtle hues, large graphics, and cool fabrics.

 Sexing it up via Diane von Furstenberg ... we're not in Kansas anymore.

6.  Yellow
Just the mere mention of this color would normally make me run shrieking. Yellow's the stuff bumble bees, taxis, and crime-scene tape are made of, but who can resist this kind of sexpot aplomb in marigold? Not me. (NOTE: Fire up the spray tanner for an added boost.)

Cushnie et Ochs ... how hello-yellow's done. 

7. Military Chic
Femme fatale meets fatigues as army glam is responsible for the coup in your closet. At ease, bitches.

Ten hut ... with Marc Jacobs. 

8. Haute Hippie
From fur vests (yup, fur) to florals, it's all about that luxe 70s look. Next stop, do the Hustle.

Nobody does it better — Gucci. 

9. Kimono-Style
It's a wrap as traditional Japanese garb influences an influx of trench coats, dresses, and tops. My geisha-by-choice heritage is honored, designer-san.

Clover Canyon is all about that Pan-Asian feel.

10. Obi Belts
Another nod to my ancient sistas from ancient mistas. Tie one on with the chicest waist cincher this side of Little Tokyo.

Isabel Marant's tight take on the obi. 

11. Shoes
Forget fakakta flip-flops. It's all about boots and booties, baby, particularly knee-high cage styles. Who cares that it's a sweltering 100 degrees? Keep your feet locked up in these knee-high gladiator-inspired styles for an uber-cool edge — it's paradise for foot fetishists everywhere.

Divinity thy name is DSquared2.

12. Accessories

From ass-kickin' brass, mismatched earrings, and romantic bijoux to revamped 70s and powerful statement pieces reflecting a woman's inner strength, there's a plethora to pick from. IMO, the on-trend choker gets me, well, all choked up.

Even more Balmain bad-assery ... does it ever end? (The answer? No.)

Find more of my daily style picks on Twitter @GEISHA_MANIA (and Instagram too @ladygeisha_geishamania)!

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