AND THEY SAID SHE DIDN'T HAVE A TALENT ...

"YOU try balancing a huge doobie from YOUR mouth."
LOL is right.  That takes mad skills.

Needless to say, Kim Kardashian's booty-bearing cover pose for PAPER magazine is already fodder for millions ... including moi. Oh, sweet silly Kim. Who does this? We know you're a MILF, but where will it end? (No pun intended.) Call me crazy, but you truly are bored with life, eh?

Okay, enough psychoanalysizin'. No one cares. Let's get back to the fodder. Along with horses, apes, peaches, and the lengthy list of bodacious butt memes spawned, Homer Simpson joined the party as well, but who wore it better?

My money's on me (see above), but that's just, um, me. I mean, really Homer? Purple sequins? They're so last season. Do you NOT read Vogue? Do you NOT subscribe to Haute Look? Jeez. Even Andre Leon Talley's shaking his head in shame. Will someone please tell the gottdamn artists that purple sequins are a faux pas before Lagerfeld gets wind of it?

Now that that's out of my system, let's get back to Kim. Yes, she's beautiful, but do self-respecting mothers need to bare all to prove they've still got it? Hmmmm, the jury's out. (I'm thinking a resounding "HELL NO.")

Rather than "Break The Internet," maybe Kim should've gone with "Vape The Internet." That's a party most everyone would've rooted for ... which brings this sweet little post full circle back to me.

Thank you, Kim Kardashian, for such an easy post. Seriously. Easy. (Maybe not as easy as you, but a no-brainer nonetheless.) Here goes:

HIGH-KU OF THE DAY!™

I like big buds and

I can not lie, you other

Vapers can’t deny.

No further comment. xo

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xoxo

TGIF ... TIME TO PAR-TAY IN VEGAS!

TGIF, Love Weed Muffins!

Ready to take a toke in Sin City at tomorrow's Hempfest? Head out early for a day of music, comedians, vendors and, obviously, all things cannabis. Quite the party.

Though I won't be able to join you (this time), here's a little teaser to hold you over. And just think, this month's Kush Cup in San Bernardino, California, is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. (October 17-19). Put that in your pipes and smoke it.

HIGH-KU OF THE DAY!™

Vegas strip’s hoppin'

Just in time for Shatterday

Wanna skirp some derg?

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xoxo

NATIONAL POETRY DAY ... OH YEAH.

It's National Poetry Day and I could, for lack of a better term, "wax poetic" on our beautiful, sexy, soulful language. (For those that know how to use it.) I get a twisted kick out of smithing words that (at the very least) make me laugh, cry, and feel. Mostly laugh. Sometimes I just can't even believe my brain, getting all hilarious and cracking myself up. Egocentric? Perhaps. Geishanistas are human too.

As far back as I can remember (actually it was seventh grade with "Sister Wimpy Wart Walk" -- her real name was Winifred, like "The Jungle Book" elephant -- no joke), I was extremely conscious of the importance of crafting the written word. We had NO choice.

Day after day, Sr. WWW prattled on and on that no two sentences in a paragraph should start with the same word. Pretty harsh. She mentioned other stuff too, but even the great and powerful couldn't intervene if you screwed up ... and I'm not talkin' Oz. (Or James Franco, although he would've have convinced her to smoke a bone and shut the f*ck up. Okay, I'll stop.)

Sure as hell's supposedly all fire and brimstone (sorry, I can't stop 'cause, IMO, it's really, really NOT), that sex-starved old penguin would be waddling at breakneck speeds down the aisles, warts and all, to further scream. IN. YOUR. FACE. Crazy bitch. We were twelve.

Somehow it stuck (for the most part), and I pretty much became obsessed with writing from that point on. I felt like it was my secret stash, my mission, my raison d'être. From poetic stream-of-consciousness rants reminiscent of neo-Dada Nam June Paik videos to super-silly songs and nicely structured articles practically begging for a tidy bow on top, I've honed my craft over the years to arrive at this lovely, nonsensical, and ever-so-snide juncture. It's a culmination of all I am. You can imagine my glee -- unrestrained, of course.

Obviously I mangle rules along the way, but a few no-nos in the name of "creative license" is totally acceptable, even thrilling. (To me, anyway.) Isn't the point to express your unique voice? Anyone who's watched GEISHA-MANIA! knows my voice is definitively "distinct," which is being kind. A few of my fave poetic heroes include Maya Angelou, Sylvia Plath, Jack Kerouac, Shel Silverstein, Jim Morrison, Patti Smith (um, have you listened to "Horses"?), and a list of rappers whose "flow" leaves me speechless. And that, my fellow Catholic school refugees, NEVER happens.

Speaking of which, you can just imagine how friggin' proud Sister-from-a-Higher-Mister would be to read my contribution to National Poetry Day. Yup. Rolling in her BIG. FAT. ROSARY-BEADED GRAVE. So without further snark, I bring you a little "afternoon delight." Pun intended.

HIGH-KU OF THE DAY!™

Weed, best stuff on earth

Twenty-four carat gold blunts
Now who’s trippin’ boo?

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xoxo

READY FOR VEGAS HEMPFEST???

STOP THE HEMP PRESSES! Sin City turns Stoner Heaven as Las Vegas Hempfest opens its doors this Saturday, October 4. Wait, wasn't it just Memorial Day? Time flies when you're having a life. (Unless you've been in a complete stupor for four months.) With music, comedians, speakers, vendors, and a whole lotta sweet leaf, the event promises to "light up the town" in more ways than one. Are YOU ready to start chonging the bong?

Why's a Geishanista-with-the-Mostest promoting 420-filled fun? Well, little love [weed] muffins ... it will all become clear -- very, very soon. You'll see. I promise. (And you WON'T be disappointed.) Until then, like Confucius, let me impart this tidbit of stoner wisdom. It's the least I can do. And if you're checking out Hempfest, take a toke for me! Hugs, I mean NUGS!

HIGH-KU OF THE DAY!™

Chonging the big bong

Puff, puff pass, Vegas Hempfest

Rocky Mountain highs.

PS: And yes, I know Vegas is nowhere near the Rocky Mountains. Duh ... it's called creative license darlings. You so silly.

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HIGH-KU, NEW TUNES & MOI

I missed you. (And you and you and you, too.) Really, I did. Aside from working on my upcoming Lady Geisha books that shall remain nameless (for now, it's a surprise), I've been in the final throes (fingers crossed) of getting three new songs out the door as well as my GEISHA-MANIA! Sing-Along Video. Between a few flaky rappers and even flakier scheduling that unexpectedly set things back, let's just say one could compare it to being in labor for close to a year -- only giving birth to an actual human is a helluva lot easier. Been there, done that, I kid you not.

In addition to collaborating with L.A.-based hip-hop artists for the above-mentioned ditties, I've been writing other original songs (and parodies) to complete my very first comedy rap EP, kinda like Weird Al on estrogen. Forget that newfangled "trip-hop" -- I created my own unique genre and deemed it "COM-HOP." Yup, I can deem. So, with some love from the universe and lots of finger-crossing from YOU (and me too), I'll be sharing lots more news in the upcoming month. Please, for the love of all things sacred, KEEP Y'ER FINGERS CROSSED. Forever. And just for me.

Quite frankly, so much has happened that it's hard to keep it straight but, being that today would have been the 103rd birthday of comedy legend Lucille Ball, I decided to share something special. Recently I've taken to writing haiku -- and creating one-of-a-kind collages -- with a silly stoner twist.

Why would a (quirky) middle-aged underdog (with killer biceps) start writing about wacky weed? (Um, have you watched GEISHA-MANIA??? Just kidding. Or am I? I'll never tell.) IMO, it's even sillier that, in 2014, lawmakers are still ensconced in a Prohibition-era mindset over marijuana -- somehow they're conveniently forgetting the amount of people killed by drunk drivers each year. How many research studies do those ignorant bastards need to finally believe cannabis helps cure cancer patients? (Stay tuned for Ricki Lake's upcoming documentary, "Weed the People" to find out.)

If there's any doubt as to some of the medicinal benefits (especially for anyone suffering anorexia, anxiety, arthritis, chronic pain, depression, fibromyalgia, insomnia, migraines, MS, nausea, the list goes on and on), might I suggest PUFF, PUFF, PASS. Shotgun, perhaps? A big FAT DAB'll do y'a ... and I ain't talkin' hair gel.

Live and let live is how most evolved people think. While you're waiting for the rest of the world to catch up, enjoy this selection from my HIGH-KU OF THE DAY™ ... more on Tumblr and Twitter!

Giggle bush me up

Puff the magic dragon sings

Legalize sweet leaf.

Wacky tabacky

Geisha in the sky with diamonds (oops, that’s 8)

Dance, little toe, dance.

Doobie doobie do

Stoned not stupid, puff, puff pass

Read between blurred lines.

Love and peace and herb

Bush leaves me straight-trippin’ boo

Combustible fun.

Snizzle this wizzle

Even Bill Clinton got high

Who’s illegal now?

Stoners be twaxin’

Hittin’ more trees than Tarzan
Bongzilla lives on.

Legalize they cry

Munchies munchies everywhere

Not a bong to chong.

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GEISHA-TASTIC FUN!

xoxo