Saturday, August 16, 2014


Hola love muffins ... como estas?! Since today's National Tell a Joke Day, I'm gonna share something I find funny. I don't really care if you agree 'cause it's my story, damn it. FYI, the very first comedy album I ever purchased was Steve Martin's "Let's Get Small." I loved it. One of his classic lines is forever ingrained in my mind -- "People ask me, 'Steve, how can you BE so fuckin' funny?'" I'll never forget his delivery (perfection) and, from that moment on, I was hooked on making people laugh. It's my crack.

Back in the day, I used to run wild through the desolate, late-night streets of NYC with my punk rock girl pack for shits 'n' giggles (sporting a black mohawk, no less). We'd land -- "take over" may actually be a more apt description -- at the Mudd Club, Danceteria, Irving Plaza, CBGB's, Peppermint Lounge, the Tunnel, Limelight, and places I don't even remember for some hella hardcore fun. Like cockroaches in the Bronx, we were everywhere.

Once settled in with a drink or two, I'd start walking up to random people and make up morbid jokes - ON THE SPOT. Oh yeah. I, for one, thought it was hilarious. (Not to mention my gal pals who nearly peed their pants. Again, loved it.) Best part of the whole deal was the sick and confused looks I received from my victims. Yup, I thought it was brilliant. (That's youth for you.)

Years later, while being coerced into performing at an open mic night somewhere in North Bergen, New Jersey (that's a whole other story), this comedy club producer informed me that one of the twisted jokes I mentioned creating during this heyday-of-sorts went on to become one of the most popular party circuit jokes for at least a decade. Imagine that. My claim to fame and I didn't even know it. (Kinda like how I actually won $5K in one of Snapple's bottle cap contests and threw it away BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW. I kid you not. Next time they tell me I "didn't" win car payments for a year, I'll start counting my Benjamins. Um, Snapple, are y'a listenin'?)

Actually, this joke is STILL my all-time fave. (I remember exactly what club I was in and the faces of the people I went up to. BTW, they weren't laughing.)  And, YES, I wrote it from my little head. © 1980-somethin'. So here goes ...

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was DEAD.

Poor little bastard. 

Like this post?
Check out more 

Wednesday, August 6, 2014


I missed you. (And you and you and you, too.) Really, I did. Aside from working on my upcoming Lady Geisha books that shall remain nameless (for now, it's a surprise), I've been in the final throes (fingers crossed) of getting three new songs out the door as well as my GEISHA-MANIA! Sing-Along Video. Between a few flaky rappers and even flakier scheduling that unexpectedly set things back, let's just say one could compare it to being in labor for close to a year -- only giving birth to an actual human is a helluva lot easier. Been there, done that, I kid you not.

In addition to collaborating with L.A.-based hip-hop artists for the above-mentioned ditties, I've been writing other original songs (and parodies) to complete my very first comedy rap EP, kinda like Weird Al on estrogen. Forget that newfangled "trip-hop" -- I created my own unique genre and deemed it "COM-HOP." Yup, I can deem. So, with some love from the universe and lots of finger-crossing from YOU (and me too), I'll be sharing lots more news in the upcoming month. Please, for the love of all things sacred, KEEP Y'ER FINGERS CROSSED. Forever. And just for me.

Quite frankly, so much has happened that it's hard to keep it straight but, being that today would have been the 103rd birthday of comedy legend Lucille Ball, I decided to share something special. Recently I've taken to writing haiku -- and creating one-of-a-kind collages -- with a silly stoner twist.

Why would a (quirky) middle-aged underdog (with killer biceps) start writing about wacky weed? (Um, have you watched GEISHA-MANIA??? Just kidding. Or am I? I'll never tell.) IMO, it's even sillier that, in 2014, lawmakers are still ensconced in a Prohibition-era mindset over marijuana -- somehow they're conveniently forgetting the amount of people killed by drunk drivers each year. How many research studies do those ignorant bastards need to finally believe cannabis helps cure cancer patients? (Stay tuned for Ricki Lake's upcoming documentary, "Weed the People" to find out.)

If there's any doubt as to some of the medicinal benefits (especially for anyone suffering anorexia, anxiety, arthritis, chronic pain, depression, fibromyalgia, insomnia, migraines, MS, nausea, the list goes on and on), might I suggest PUFF, PUFF, PASS. Shotgun, perhaps? A big FAT DAB'll do y'a ... and I ain't talkin' hair gel.

Live and let live is how most evolved people think. While you're waiting for the rest of the world to catch up, enjoy this selection from my HIGH-KU OF THE DAY™ ... more on Tumblr and Twitter!

Giggle bush me up
Puff the magic dragon sings
Legalize sweet leaf.

Wacky tabacky
Geisha in the sky with diamonds (oops, that’s 8)
Dance, little toe, dance.

Doobie doobie do
Stoned not stupid, puff, puff pass
Read between blurred lines.

Love and peace and herb
Bush leaves me straight-trippin’ boo
Combustible fun.

Snizzle this wizzle
Even Bill Clinton got high
Who’s illegal now?

Stoners be twaxin’
Hittin’ more trees than Tarzan
Bongzilla lives on.

Legalize they cry
Munchies munchies everywhere
Not a bong to chong.

Like this post?
Check out more