Tuesday, April 22, 2014


Happy Earth Day love muffins! Rather than planting trees (which everyone, myself included, obviously supports), I want to plant some LOVE in celebration of the planet that makes all my dreams come true. Every single day. I could give you fun factoids and random acts of altruism, but I won't -- that's what Slate is for.  I could pontificate on the finer points of environmental awareness, but I won't -- that's where National Geographic excels. I shall simply be "moi," spreading my I-dig-you-you-dig-me-we-dig-each-other-it's-groovy-oh-yeah sentiment for all to enjoy.

So what is it about this big, ol' beautiful lug of an Earth that I adore? Funny you should ask.

1. Beaches
A British pal calls my beloved sanctuary "dirt by the sea," but really, it's so much more. I cherish beaches for their sex, romance, and box office smash factor. Just think "From Here to Eternity" -- who doesn't wanna roll around in the surf half naked (or just plain naked) with a hulking hunk of man candy? Exactly.

2. Mountains
Purple mountain majesty aside, they're freakin' cool. Like gargantuan raw diamonds shooting up through the Earth's surface. Oh, and the massive strength simply makes me weak in the knees. (More than I can say for some dudes.) May the tectonic force be with ME. Shudder.

3. Canyons
Grand or otherwise, I have two words: James Dean. Don't know why, so don't ask. Okay, I do. Imagine riding winding canyon roads on the back of JD's Harley, hair whipping in the wind while holding on to his leather-clad curves (for dear life) as the bike hugs every curve of the road. Oh, the places you'll go.

4. Desert
For whatever reason, filming black and white performance art videos amongst the desert dunes has always been my "thing." Like poetry come to life. What's better than miles of sand, sand, and more sand? Not much. Doing it covered in pearls? Even better. Doing it while on an all-expense-paid exotic African safari? Priceless. Mucho gracias, Papi.

5. Rivers
Lazy, winding, or otherwise, the see-and-be-seen hotspot for super sailboats and luxury yachts alike. Yours included. Call me, you wicked little sheikhie poo. (Overcompensation overlooked.)

6. Babbling Brooks
Secluded picnics for two ... butterflies and Chardonnay ... the prelude to that first fireworks-went-off kiss. You get the picture. Surprising me with some Tiffany blue beside a babbling brook? Yeah, baby.

7. Fields
Whether it conjures W.C. or the Beatles' rhythmically rad strawberry-filled funfest, just bring your dancing shoes, 'cause we're waltzing amidst the wild flowers. I'll sing. Have at it bitches.

8. Meadows
See #7 above ... only let's make it even more wild. Bring blankets, your bare feet, and a bottle of Dom. Un-hunh. It's on.

9. Lakes
Water is sexy. Period. Where have you people been? Aside from that rainy makeout scene in "9-1/2 Weeks," what's hotter than parasailing in a sushi bikini? Duh.

10. Chirping Birds
Being serenaded by melodic chirping is simply one of the most exquisite sounds ever. (Don't get me wrong -- I despise pigeons. Dirty bastages. One crapped on my hair eons ago near Grand Central Station and I had a major freak-out. Not fun.) Watch it Tweety ... but chirping is awesome nonetheless.

11. Flowers
When Sugar Papi seriously screws up, how could I possibly stay sour when he delivers a great big bouquet of blooming fabulosity? (Of course, 22 carats of "please forgive me" tucked smack dab in the center of those rare, pricey orchids provides complete exoneration. Good save.) Keep'em coming.

12. Trees
This is a given. Especially when I'm strolling a palm tree-lined street. In Beverly Hills. On Rodeo Drive. While shopping. Life is good. Join me.

13. Flowers on trees
Now we've hit the daily double. Magnolias, cherry blossoms, dogwoods ... all surrounding my Olympic-size pool with Olympic-sized pool boys. (If you know what I mean.) I like big trees and I can not lie.

14. Forests
Tropical rainforests, Redwoods, even Deutschland's Black Forest all conjure a sense of thrilling adventure, primal abandon, and damn straight all hell breaking loose. (Just make sure I can plug in the blow dryer, ok?) And I almost forgot the most important reason -- Tarzan. Um, hello? Leopard loincloths. Enough said.

15. People
Just as we define that feeling of home by the people who surround us, this planet wouldn't be what it is without the incredible human spirit. We have our moments. Some cool, some, well, not so much. (BTW, I'm always cool. It's a gift.) Regardless of what obstacles are put in our path, nine times out of ten, we come together. We prove there's strength in solidarity. We prove the power of love. (Papi just proves it with Jimmy Choos.) How amazing is that? Happy Earth Day ... every day. xo

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Monday, April 14, 2014


Usually my silly, snarky, and beyond ridiculous commentary on the obscure cracks me the hell up. (Hopefully you find the insanity just as funny.) But today, there are no jokes, no puns, no snarky remarks. I come to you with raw emotions and an open heart, asking for your help.

First, let me begin with a confession. My recent Facebook status about using my boobs to get out of a speeding ticket wasn’t true. Imagine that. Everyone thought my “resourcefulness” was quite clever, but it was merely part of an online rally to raise breast cancer awareness, like no make-up selfies or the flurry of users posting bra colors and “where they like it” on their walls.

This time, those who like or comment on any of 14 specific status updates are instructed to repost one of the statements with no further explanation. Users must then forward the chain mail-style message to anyone who likes or comments on their own status and so on.
A few weeks ago, I unknowingly liked a friend’s “Just-won-$7,000-on-a-scratchy” post. I was thrilled for her and amazed at such fabulous luck. Heck, maybe she’d even take me shoe shopping. (Okay, probably not, but I was so inspired I purchased one for myself.) All good fun … until it wasn’t.
After reading the “campaign” message the next morning, I felt slightly obligated (read: emotionally blackmailed) to select and post one of the 14. Some of the statements were grossly disturbing, but I figured that’s the point – healthy people feeling uncomfortable is nothing compared to fighting the disease … right? Am I not willing put my own discomfort aside to show support? 
Despite minor procrastination, I made the update. Hence, my boobs doing double duty. Immediately I regretted the post, especially when explaining to everyone that it really didn’t happen. So there’s that. All day long I thought of family members who died way too young from breast and other cancers. I thought of friends I've lost and those who've miraculously survived their battles, proving what true strength really is. Wow -- how freakin' lucky am I to be healthy, alive, and blessed on so many levels?

For whatever reason, I kept questioning my participation. Solidarity goes a long way, but what was I (or any of us) really accomplishing? If one woman scheduled a mammogram that could potentially save her life because of what we've posted and passed on, would that validate the movement? Is any awareness good awareness? My inner pit bull-with-a-steak just wouldn’t allow me to let go of it ... was there a higher purpose? 

I researched similar online campaigns for more perspective and discovered multitudes are downright outraged, claiming stupid “Facebook/social media games” demean the battle against breast cancer. My heart sank as any impulse I ever had or action ever taken to support this (or any cause) was always sincere. It bothered me to think that participating could potentially be misconstrued as indifference to a disease that had taken family from me. This also raised a red flag -- if social media movements of this nature were so horrific, why were celebrities being praised for the recent no make-up movement that stormed Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram? 

Additional findings revealed that many others feel just as strongly that anything goes, especially since social media reaches a younger audience who might not pay attention to traditional awareness campaigns. (Case in point: no make-up.) Both sides presented strong cases ... and then it hit me.
Advocacy isn’t enough – I needed to escalate things to the next level. What differentiates the current "Facebook 14” and bare-faced celebs is that the #NoMakeupSelfies campaign actually raised over $13.1M for charity, a nice chunk of change to help further research, education, and preventative care. 

So why can’t we do the same by changing a status? I believe we can and have created a way that participants of this, the bra color, and “where I like it” movements can add meaning behind good intentions while truly making a difference.

I’m proud to launch Lady Geisha's “Put Your Money Where Your Facebook Status Is” Campaign to raise funds for the Breast Cancer Research Foundation, an organization that utilizes 91% of all donations to sponsor over 200 researchers in 12 countries worldwide and educate women on preventative care. How can YOU contribute? There are several ways, which I'd like to explain.


The "Put Your Money Where Your Facebook Status Is" online store is filled with products featuring the infamous 14 status updates. By purchasing t-shirts, mugs, caps, cards, and a myriad of other items bearing the statement you selected, 100% of ALL profits will be donated to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation. Which did YOU post?

·      Damn diarrhea.
·      I still love my ex.
·      Just won $7,000 on a scratchy.
·      Anyone have a tampon? I'm out.
·      No toilet paper - goodbye socks!
·      How do you get rid of foot fungus?
·      Why is no one around when I'm horny?
·      I've decided to stop wearing underwear.
·      Guess it was to good to be true … I'm pregnant.
·      I think I'm in love with someone. What should I do?
·      Just used my boobs to get out of a speeding ticket.
·      Someone offered me a job as a prostitute, but I'm hesitant.
·      I just found out I've been cheated on for the past five months.
·      I really don't know how to tell anyone and I'm sick of hiding it … I'm gay.


Status update swag not your thing? I've created the "Put Your Money Where Your Facebook Status Is" Fundraising Event Page on the Foundation’s main site so supporters can contribute directly to the cause by making an online donation via Team Lady Geisha. Just visit the page, add your name to our team members, and donate any amount. We'll list all new team members/contributors on our brand-new community Facebook page, Lady Geisha's Breast Cancer Combat, as a special thank you.


I'd like to ask everyone who's changed their status, supports the campaign, made a purchase, and/or joined Team Lady Geisha as a contributing member to submit a 3-5 second video selfie of themselves simply saying "Put Your Money Where Your Facebook Status Is!" 

Individual clips will be incorporated into a compilation video which will be featured on my YouTube channel and other social media sites. How can YOU submit? Please post all video clips to our community Facebook page, Lady Geisha's Breast Cancer Combat. Why? 


By submitting your videos for inclusion in our compilation video, we can build campaign momentum, prove the power of raising awareness through social media, and encourage corporate partners, mid-sized companies, smaller businesses, and anyone in the arts/ entertainment industries to become fundraising sponsors via our campaign hashtag #PutYourMoneyWhereYourFacebookStatusIs

Sponsors can pledge specific dollar amounts each time our hashtag is used across social media, helping us raise significant amounts that will assist the BCRF in getting that much closer to a cure. (Sponsors may also donate a set amount.) All sponsors will be listed on my website, here on the blog, and on our community Facebook page -- plus we’ll promote the campaign on all our social media pages (and aggregate sites) where Lady Geisha and GEISHA-MANIA!™ have a brand presence. If you own a company/small business and are interested in becoming a sponsor, please message us using the Contact tab above for further information.


We all know it takes a village ... and thanks to Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, Google+, and SnapChat, etc., villages in the digital age span the globe. Even so, goals can't be accomplished single-handedly. Which is why I need your help.

Now, I’m not setting a $1,000,000 goal (wouldn’t that be totally kickass?), but if everyone purchases products, makes direct donations, submits video selfies, and spreads the word by sharing this post as well as the campaign hashtag and all our links, we can show the world this ISN’T A GAME and that supporters really do put their money where their Facebook status is. 

If we all take a minute to come back to reality after Coachella, the MTV Movie Awards, and a visit to the tax preparer, the strength in our numbers will kick cancer in the ass. Let’s finish what social media started … and prove we’re not playing.

Please visit the Charity Page on my website for more info:

Please “Like,” share, and spread the word about our community Facebook page:

Donate by purchasing items featuring the status update you chose here:

Donate directly on the “Put Your Money Where Your Facebook Status Is” Event Page:

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Thursday, April 10, 2014


Spring has sprung and though there may still be snow in some spots (hear my tiny violin playing?) it's time to start thinking about bikinis, boys, and beach blanket BLING-O! (Okay, maybe not in that order.) IMO, lounging poolside drenched in gallons of glitz is the shizz ... especially with a bevy of buff man-candies catering to my every whim. See how that's done? Bikinis, boys, bling -- boom, all in one shot.

Now for the finer points. (Listen up chicas, this is key.) Real bikini bliss means the teenier the better. (I can't believe I just said that.) Burn those bandeaus, maillots, and tank suits. Why? Because they make me shudder? No sillies, smaller gets you bigger, and I ain't talkin' gherkins. Big as in rocks -- the sparkly kind. This concept's easy, but hopefully you're not. (Make'em work for it, love muffins.)

Speaking of bling, break out the big baubles because itsy-bitsy bikinis alone just won't cut it. Who needs SPF 20 when there's 22K? Think blinding brilliance. Think strappy heels and spray tans. Think diamond-encrusted toe thongs. Okay, maybe that's way too much thinking for you, but damn girl, women exist to be memorable. Haven't the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" taught you anything?

For those plebeian times when we venture away from the cabana and don actual clothing (ugh, must we?), I've comprised a checklist of spring 2014's top fashion trends. Word of caution -- I'm showing you the BEST (designer duds) examples right off the runways. It's up to YOU to figure out if you even come close. There's a finely stitched line between true style and white trash wonderland. What's a geishanista to do? Besides running back to the pool? MAKE IT WORK PEOPLE!

He masters making it work.

1. Crop Tops
Every muffin top's nightmare is that mofo crop top. (Unless you're Kate Moss or the people of Walmart.) Here's a crazy question ... WHO makes these freakin' decisions? Is it kinda like a Seventh Avenue Illuminati plot to eliminate weaker, fashion faux pas-wearing fools? Tread wisely.

Diane von Furstenberg ... cropped to perfection.

2. Fringe
Is this the wild, wild vest? Don't get me wrong -- I keep up with trends just like any other gold-blooded geishanista. But when said trends take a nosedive into making me look like a bad 70's sitcom or, more specifically, that little ginger kid in "The Partridge Family," then I rest my case. Just stop it. Please.

Roberto Cavalli is a fringed god.

3. Holographic Clothing
Beam me up, bitches! Perhaps if you're Captain Kirk this Klingon-inspired garb could be cool, but any trend that remotely intrigues Trekkies or suits William Shatner (at any age) does not suit me. Period.

Jonathan Saunders is outta this world.

4. Sheer
Call it a heyday for pervs, but I say see-through's been done. Relentlessly. The only ones falling for it (yet again) are those who really shouldn't ... and it ain't pretty. Sigh. Fashion repeats itself, but let's put this one out of its misery.

J. Mendel shows how to shine in sheer. 

5. Trench
Wanna buy a watch? Again, perv city. That is all.

Michael Kors does trench right.

6. Mesh
Everybody spread the word, we're gonna have a cel-e-bra-tion! Oh, wait, what? Now that was a tangent. Madonna called and wants her fingerless gloves back. Enough said.

Vera Wang makes mesh magic.

7. Tribal Trippin'
I'm all for marching to the beat of a global drum, but do the fashion powers-that-be make a pact to puke up the most unrelated concepts possible, deem them as trends, and see who's suckered into it just to amuse themselves? I'm guessing "Yes."

Givenchy makes tribal tres glam.

8. Athletic Looks
If Varsity wasn't my thing in middle school, what makes anyone think I'd go for it now? Let's leave gym clothes in, um, the gym, thank you. Plus, this creates a cross-trending travesty when mesh is added to the mix -- like the athlete's foot fungus of the fashion world. I rest my case.

RA-RA-SIS-BOOM-VICTORIA! Beckham, that is.

9. Bright Colors
Is New Wave making a resurgence? Must I break out the mohawk? I bet Andre Leon Talley's laughing his Cavallis off at anyone making this Flock-of-Seagulls flub.

Orange is the new black at Hermes.

10. Culottes
Fugly then, fuglier now. Done and done.

Uber-cool leather culottes from Mulberry.

I actually invented the word "fugly" (don't play dumb) back in the 1980s and have witnesses ... kind of like MY original joke, "Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?" Answer: "Because it was dead." I made that up one night at a bar while walking around telling twisted jokes. I didn't really have answers to any of the random questions I asked complete strangers, which is why "Because it was dead" became my go-to fave. Years later, a comedy club promoter told me that my first attempt at standup (hey, I was walking around!) was one of the biggest jokes on the party circuit. Imagine that. Who knew vodka and cranberry could unleash comedic genius?

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Wednesday, April 2, 2014


I grew up loving and listening to the ultimate Prince of Soul, Marvin Gaye. In the 1950's (waaaaay before my time, bitches), the R&B legend joined a group called The New Moonglows, where his three-octave vocal range garnered the attention of Motown's Berry Gordy ... and the rest is history.

Marvin's Moonglow Days

FUN FACT: Marvin actually began his Motown career behind-the-scenes as a drummer for The Supremes, Stevie Wonder, The Marvellettes, and Martha and the Vandellas. It wasn't until 1962 (still before my time) that he produced his first solo hit, "Hitch Hike." In addition to vocals and drums, Marvin was a keyboard, percussion, and synthesizer whiz.

EVEN FUNNIER FACT: I began my career behind-the-scenes as a writer for one of the major Hollywood studios' online divisions. (Yawn.) Red carpet interviews and tentpole articles weren't the yin to my yang ... so I started writing wacky songs.  It wasn't until 2013 that I produced my very first solo hit (I'll let you be the judge), "GEISHA-MANIA!" In addition to my signature scream-laugh, I'm a shoe, bling, and high-style whiz. The rest is also history.

Marvin and Little Stevie Wonder

"I Heard It Through the Grapevine," "How Sweet It Is," and "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" had me hooked on soul. As a young geishanista, I'd dance around my tiny bedroom, hair brush in hand, singing my off-key little heart out in front of the mirror. Marvin famously partnered with Diana Ross and Tammi Terrell -- Marvin and Tammi ruled as the Royal Couple of R&B. When she died of a brain tumor in 1970, Marvin almost abandoned music altogether. I think I can safely speak for the entire world -- we're so lucky he didn't.

Marvin called Tammi his "perfect [musical] partner."

"Sexual Healing" was practically my rite of passage -- it was totally ON. Talk about geisha on a hot Bronx roof. I'd play it over and over and over again while gyrating around with my eyes closed. Scary, right? Marvin helped shape the sound of Motown and fueled this pasty white girl's lifelong lust for love muffins. Needless to say, I was -- and still am -- obsessed.

Today would have been Marvin's 75th birthday. Seems like only yesterday I'd turn on the radio and hear his sultry voice. Let's celebrate Marvin's legacy... he left us way too soon, but his genius lives on forever. xo

Happy Birthday Mr. Marvin Gaye ... RIP. xo

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