AND THEY SAID SHE DIDN'T HAVE A TALENT ...

"YOU try balancing a huge doobie from YOUR mouth."
LOL is right.  That takes mad skills.

Needless to say, Kim Kardashian's booty-bearing cover pose for PAPER magazine is already fodder for millions ... including moi. Oh, sweet silly Kim. Who does this? We know you're a MILF, but where will it end? (No pun intended.) Call me crazy, but you truly are bored with life, eh?

Okay, enough psychoanalysizin'. No one cares. Let's get back to the fodder. Along with horses, apes, peaches, and the lengthy list of bodacious butt memes spawned, Homer Simpson joined the party as well, but who wore it better?

My money's on me (see above), but that's just, um, me. I mean, really Homer? Purple sequins? They're so last season. Do you NOT read Vogue? Do you NOT subscribe to Haute Look? Jeez. Even Andre Leon Talley's shaking his head in shame. Will someone please tell the gottdamn artists that purple sequins are a faux pas before Lagerfeld gets wind of it?

Now that that's out of my system, let's get back to Kim. Yes, she's beautiful, but do self-respecting mothers need to bare all to prove they've still got it? Hmmmm, the jury's out. (I'm thinking a resounding "HELL NO.")

Rather than "Break The Internet," maybe Kim should've gone with "Vape The Internet." That's a party most everyone would've rooted for ... which brings this sweet little post full circle back to me.

Thank you, Kim Kardashian, for such an easy post. Seriously. Easy. (Maybe not as easy as you, but a no-brainer nonetheless.) Here goes:

HIGH-KU OF THE DAY!™

I like big buds and

I can not lie, you other

Vapers can’t deny.

No further comment. xo

Like this post?

PLEASE SUBSCRIBE! 

xoxo

TGIF ... TIME TO PAR-TAY IN VEGAS!

TGIF, Love Weed Muffins!

Ready to take a toke in Sin City at tomorrow's Hempfest? Head out early for a day of music, comedians, vendors and, obviously, all things cannabis. Quite the party.

Though I won't be able to join you (this time), here's a little teaser to hold you over. And just think, this month's Kush Cup in San Bernardino, California, is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. (October 17-19). Put that in your pipes and smoke it.

HIGH-KU OF THE DAY!™

Vegas strip’s hoppin'

Just in time for Shatterday

Wanna skirp some derg?

Like this post?

PLEASE SUBSCRIBE! 

xoxo

READY FOR VEGAS HEMPFEST???

STOP THE HEMP PRESSES! Sin City turns Stoner Heaven as Las Vegas Hempfest opens its doors this Saturday, October 4. Wait, wasn't it just Memorial Day? Time flies when you're having a life. (Unless you've been in a complete stupor for four months.) With music, comedians, speakers, vendors, and a whole lotta sweet leaf, the event promises to "light up the town" in more ways than one. Are YOU ready to start chonging the bong?

Why's a Geishanista-with-the-Mostest promoting 420-filled fun? Well, little love [weed] muffins ... it will all become clear -- very, very soon. You'll see. I promise. (And you WON'T be disappointed.) Until then, like Confucius, let me impart this tidbit of stoner wisdom. It's the least I can do. And if you're checking out Hempfest, take a toke for me! Hugs, I mean NUGS!

HIGH-KU OF THE DAY!™

Chonging the big bong

Puff, puff pass, Vegas Hempfest

Rocky Mountain highs.

PS: And yes, I know Vegas is nowhere near the Rocky Mountains. Duh ... it's called creative license darlings. You so silly.

Like this post?

PLEASE SUBSCRIBE! 

xoxo

IF WOMEN CATCALLED MEN ...

I know it's Music Monday and National Coffee Day, but I couldn't resist. I think most ladies will agree with me (and this video). Finally, a true depiction.

And now that the proverbial shoe's on the OTHER foot ... I CAN'T. STOP. LAUGHING. Plus I'm sure, based on experience, that this is being way too kind. But I digress. See how it feels, muchachos. Roll around in the down 'n' dirty of it all. Muy caliente, si? Mira, mira, what you say now, papi ... eh?

CAN WE TALK?

Comedy has lost another of its greats -- the incomparable Joan Rivers.

Aside from the shock of her passing, my heart is truly broken as I remember growing up watching Joan on "The Tonight Show" with Johnny Carson. Now I never really thought Johnny was funny (his cornball humor seemed inane to me, even as a child), but Joan was simply BRILLIANT.

This tiny-but-tough New Yorker wasn't afraid to speak her mind during an era when women would rather play Betty Crocker than Caesars Palace, which was just unheard of. I was only a young kid from the Bronx, but Joan's hilarious, acid-tongued wit somehow fascinated me. Her delivery? Sublime. How great was it that she built a career out of making people laugh?

There's no question that Lucille Ball made everyone fall in love with female comediennes (who didn't love Lucy?), yet Joan was truly unique. She was a wild card. She was one-of-a-kind. She brought audiences to tears (including herself and Johnny) by saying what no other woman dared ... and it was refreshing. Liberating. Exhilarating. Joan was just what we needed. 

Dishing about Edgar, her sex life, family -- no one or nothing was sacred. Even herself. Joan's self-deprecating sense of humor was beyond anything we'd ever heard. Brazen, brash, and without apology. Best part was, she showed us how to laugh at OURSELVES. Joan clearly harnessed her own brand of comedic power and controlled rooms with only her mouth. Talk about fabulous. I was hooked.

She made up her own rules and broke'em just as fast. Forging a path in what was once an exclusively patriarchal industry, Joan claimed "The Tonight Show" changed her life and later appeared regularly as Johnny's guest host.

After Fox offered Joan her own competing late-night talk show in 1986, her "mentor" refused to speak to her again. Aside from (IMO) his inability to be funny, now "Carnac the Magnificent" was scared of a woman? Where's the equality? What year was this? Someone clearly needed to check his misogynous shorts at the door and leave those caveman days behind.

Did any of that phase Joan? Hell no. She prevailed as the first woman to host her own late night talk show ... the rest is history. And that, my friends, is priceless because it illustrates the epitome of believing in yourself. Imagine the concept of absolutely nothing standing in a woman's way? It wasn't easy (or common) during her early career, but Joan not only imagined it, she made it happen.

It's not hard to see how Joan Alexandra Molinksy lured me to the "dark side" at an early age (not that I had any clue what that meant or how it would actually affect my life). She flaunted a brass pair without caring about upsetting network brass. Screw status quo and the powers that be -- her balls were bigger than any man's. I couldn't help but wonder if mine would ever grow that large? (Jury's still out.)

Tolerating Johnny's nonsense wasn't easy, but if I caught Joan "in the act" it was all worth it. She lit up the room, was funny as hell, and had a BLAST doing it. She said what people thought and that's what made her successful. "We all need to get over it and move on."  Indeed. Little did I know that Joan was blazing trails that would actually impact my life.

Joan, thank you for showing me the importance of laughter and a lifetime of inspiration. YOU are what makes a legend most ... and will definitely be missed but never forgotten. xoxo

Like this post?

PLEASE SUBSCRIBE! 

Check out more 

GEISHA-TASTIC FUN!

xoxo

KNOCK, KNOCK THIS

Hola love muffins ... como estas?! Since today's National Tell a Joke Day, I'm gonna share something I find funny. I don't really care if you agree 'cause it's my story, damn it. FYI, the very first comedy album I ever purchased was Steve Martin's "Let's Get Small." I loved it. One of his classic lines is forever ingrained in my mind -- "People ask me, 'Steve, how can you BE so fuckin' funny?'" I'll never forget his delivery (perfection) and, from that moment on, I was hooked on making people laugh. It's my crack.

Back in the day, I used to run wild through the desolate, late-night streets of NYC with my punk rock girl pack for shits 'n' giggles (sporting a black mohawk, no less). We'd land -- "take over" may actually be a more apt description -- at the Mudd Club, Danceteria, Irving Plaza, CBGB's, Peppermint Lounge, the Tunnel, Limelight, and places I don't even remember for some hella hardcore fun. Like cockroaches in the Bronx, we were everywhere.

Once settled in with a drink or two, I'd start walking up to random people and make up morbid jokes - ON THE SPOT. Oh yeah. I, for one, thought it was hilarious. (Not to mention my gal pals who nearly peed their pants. Again, loved it.) Best part of the whole deal was the sick and confused looks I received from my victims. Yup, I thought it was brilliant. (That's youth for you.)

Years later, while being coerced into performing at an open mic night somewhere in North Bergen, New Jersey (that's a whole other story), this comedy club producer informed me that one of the twisted jokes I mentioned creating during this heyday-of-sorts went on to become one of the most popular party circuit jokes for at least a decade. Imagine that. My claim to fame and I didn't even know it. (Kinda like how I actually won $5K in one of Snapple's bottle cap contests and threw it away BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW. I kid you not. Next time they tell me I "didn't" win car payments for a year, I'll start counting my Benjamins. Um, Snapple, are y'a listenin'?)

Actually, this joke is STILL my all-time fave. (I remember exactly what club I was in and the faces of the people I went up to. BTW, they weren't laughing.)  And, YES, I wrote it from my little head. © 1980-somethin'. So here goes ...

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was DEAD.

Poor little bastard. 

Like this post?

PLEASE SUBSCRIBE! 

Check out more 

GEISHA-TASTIC FUN!

xoxo

HIGH-KU, NEW TUNES & MOI

I missed you. (And you and you and you, too.) Really, I did. Aside from working on my upcoming Lady Geisha books that shall remain nameless (for now, it's a surprise), I've been in the final throes (fingers crossed) of getting three new songs out the door as well as my GEISHA-MANIA! Sing-Along Video. Between a few flaky rappers and even flakier scheduling that unexpectedly set things back, let's just say one could compare it to being in labor for close to a year -- only giving birth to an actual human is a helluva lot easier. Been there, done that, I kid you not.

In addition to collaborating with L.A.-based hip-hop artists for the above-mentioned ditties, I've been writing other original songs (and parodies) to complete my very first comedy rap EP, kinda like Weird Al on estrogen. Forget that newfangled "trip-hop" -- I created my own unique genre and deemed it "COM-HOP." Yup, I can deem. So, with some love from the universe and lots of finger-crossing from YOU (and me too), I'll be sharing lots more news in the upcoming month. Please, for the love of all things sacred, KEEP Y'ER FINGERS CROSSED. Forever. And just for me.

Quite frankly, so much has happened that it's hard to keep it straight but, being that today would have been the 103rd birthday of comedy legend Lucille Ball, I decided to share something special. Recently I've taken to writing haiku -- and creating one-of-a-kind collages -- with a silly stoner twist.

Why would a (quirky) middle-aged underdog (with killer biceps) start writing about wacky weed? (Um, have you watched GEISHA-MANIA??? Just kidding. Or am I? I'll never tell.) IMO, it's even sillier that, in 2014, lawmakers are still ensconced in a Prohibition-era mindset over marijuana -- somehow they're conveniently forgetting the amount of people killed by drunk drivers each year. How many research studies do those ignorant bastards need to finally believe cannabis helps cure cancer patients? (Stay tuned for Ricki Lake's upcoming documentary, "Weed the People" to find out.)

If there's any doubt as to some of the medicinal benefits (especially for anyone suffering anorexia, anxiety, arthritis, chronic pain, depression, fibromyalgia, insomnia, migraines, MS, nausea, the list goes on and on), might I suggest PUFF, PUFF, PASS. Shotgun, perhaps? A big FAT DAB'll do y'a ... and I ain't talkin' hair gel.

Live and let live is how most evolved people think. While you're waiting for the rest of the world to catch up, enjoy this selection from my HIGH-KU OF THE DAY™ ... more on Tumblr and Twitter!

Giggle bush me up

Puff the magic dragon sings

Legalize sweet leaf.

Wacky tabacky

Geisha in the sky with diamonds (oops, that’s 8)

Dance, little toe, dance.

Doobie doobie do

Stoned not stupid, puff, puff pass

Read between blurred lines.

Love and peace and herb

Bush leaves me straight-trippin’ boo

Combustible fun.

Snizzle this wizzle

Even Bill Clinton got high

Who’s illegal now?

Stoners be twaxin’

Hittin’ more trees than Tarzan
Bongzilla lives on.

Legalize they cry

Munchies munchies everywhere

Not a bong to chong.

Like this post?

PLEASE SUBSCRIBE! 

Check out more 

GEISHA-TASTIC FUN!

xoxo

For Mothers Everywhere ... Love, Me

It's Mother's Day and I can't think of a better way to celebrate than by giving a shout-out to some of my fave moms of all time -- including my mother and myself! From funny, cool, and uber-sexy pop culture royalty to actual blue-blooded child-bearers, the maternal instincts exuded by these hot mamas always makes me smile. How totally fabulous is that?

1. Morticia Addams
First off, I actually wanted to BE Morticia. How hot was she, wiggling around in that slinky black number, with her long black mane and boobs a-burstin', driving her crazy-wealthy-crazy husband insane? Dang. Gomez was surely under her spell, but it was his "Cara Mia's" sharp-as-a-razor wit and blasé attitude that sealed the deal for me. Morticia was absolute perfection -- and her mothering skills? Wednesday and Pugsley weren't complaining.

2. Samantha Stevens
Sam was sexy, funny, and possessed some pretty awesome powers. Who else could travel back and forth in time, turn people into toads (or any other animal), concoct potions, and make riches appear with the twitch of her nose? Let's just say Tabitha was one lucky little witch. I'd practice the nose aerobics for hours to no avail, but what perplexed me most was why the hell she stuck with either Darrin. York or Sargent, could they have chosen more derpy dudes? Ewww.

3. Endora
Who didn't adore Endora? Dripping in drag queen glam, menacingly powerful, and so damn over the top there was never a top in sight. Ever. Nothing was sacred. (Tee-hee!) Endora perfected the art of being wonderfully wicked ... and I loved her protectiveness toward Samantha. Talk about f*cking FIERCE. I secretly wished that she'd replace Darrin with Major Nelson ("I Dream of Jeannie") or some other hunk, but that was just my opinion. (I know, I need to get over it.)

4. Mrs. Gloop
"Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory" (Gene Wilder version) is one of my all-time faves -- SUCH a fun flick. The original characters were absolutely brilliant ... so much so, that quoting them never gets old. Why Mrs. Gloop? Well, what can I say but, "Au-goo-tus, sveet-heart, save some rrrhoom for lay-tahhh!" "You've boiled him up, I knowww it!" "He'll be made into marshmallows in five seconds!" "You're not sqveezing me sthrough zat tiny door!" OMFG. Pure genius. I, for one, can't get enough.

5. Mrs. Teevee
"I serve all his TV dinners right here. He's never even been to the table." "I assume there's an accident indemnity clause." "Somebody's touching me!" Enough said.

6. Cher
After finally getting over the fact I couldn't BE Cher, for a brief fleeting moment I wanted to be Chastity Bono so I could, at the very least, have access to mommy's killer Bob Mackie collection. (I'd even resigned myself to wearing a wig 'cuz my hair never grew that long.) Aside from the fact that Chastity was an adorable towhead (blondes do have more fun -- I've been both and can attest to this), Cher seemed to be such a loving, doting mama. (I still love how she loves her kids.) IMO, clothes and anything my heart desired? WIN-WIN.

7. Carol Brady
Who didn't want a perky, smiling soccer mom who ran around town in Pucci-esque mini dresses? (I did.) Carol had it goin' on with her frosted shag 'do, hot little bod, handsome architect hubby, sprawling ranch-style home, and not one damn worry in the world. Plus, she had ALICE! Partners-in-crime don't get much better. Those kids seriously scored.

8. Clair Huxtable
You just don't f*ck with Claire. She's a lawyer and will sue your ass, chew it up, and spit you out -- all before her morning OJ. God I loved her.

9. Miss Ellie
Miss Ellie was the only one who could control J.R. Ewing -- now that's a testament to true power. (Are you picking up on the power theme yet?) Plus, she lived on a gorgeous estate and everyone loved her to bits. "Mama" was the kind of old Texan lady that you don't mess with. She could shoot you with her eyes closed and walk over your dead carcass for afternoon tea.

10. Sue Ellen Ewing
She had zero backbone, was a lush, and sucked as a wife, but Sue Ellen was all about mothering (sometimes smothering) John Ross. And her Bill Travilla wardrobe. And money. I like that.

11. Lucille Bluth
There is a God and she has one helluva sense of humor. If I'd grown up with Lucille Bluth, lord only knows how much funnier (or f*d up) I'd be. Hmmmmm. Let's just say therapy doesn't hurt. Her subpar mothering skills are no match for her finely honed sarcasm, which trumps tuna casserole any day.

12. Princess Diana
Shy Di did it her way -- and raised two altruistic sons any mom would be proud of. All while flipping off the entire monarchy. Gotta love ballsy blue bloods with a fantastic sense of style. The whole world loved her and so do I. Still.

13. Jackie Kennedy
Style, beauty, grace ... this fashion-forward First Lady epitomized American royalty. She was a stoic and protective mother to John Jr. and Caroline, as well as an iconic role model to millions. Add me to the list of fans with a JK girl crush!

14. My Mom
What can I say besides how much I love her? She's my best friend, confidante, biggest cheerleader, and never tires of hearing my voice. (Okay, I'm sure she does, but she never lets on.) Born in the Bronx, my mother's taught me selflessness, loyalty, and a NYC-bred fierceness that has made me the woman I am today. Plus, she's ever-supportive and kinda thinks I'm the funniest thing since sliced bread. Mom tells all her senior pals (as well as peeps on the street) all about her daughter's wacky music video. Bless her heart. Thank you Mom, for everything. I love you.

15. Me
Well I admit, I've given mothering my own twist and have somehow succeeded. (For the most part.) Of course, being a mom is a partnership of sorts -- I wouldn't be writing these words if my life hadn't been touched by the angel that came into my life 20+ years ago. I'd relive every single second to have you as you are today. Thank you my darling. I love you and am surely one very lucky mama.

Like this post?

PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO THE BLOG! xoxo

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!

It's Cinco de Mayo, a day of mucho margaritas, music, and guac til y'a drop! Okay, skip the guac and make sure those margaritas flow like the Rio Grande. BTW, throw in a few rubies, diamonds, and emeralds in honor of the Mexican flag. (If anything, I'm patriotic.) Worried about extra calories from all those, um, limes? Celebrate with skinny margaritas -- just make mine frozen and served by a bevy of buff conquistadors wearing nothing but sombreros. Por favor. (Yum.)

FUN FACT: Did you know the holiday is actually called "El Dia de la Batalla de Puebla" and commemorates the Mexican army's victory over French forces in the Battle of Puebla? Americans mistake it for Mexican Independence Day (it's not), which falls on September 16. Get with the program gringos.

Aside from our usual Photoshopped antics (it's the pic that NEVER dies), I couldn't resist seeing what popped up by Googling "Cinco de Mayo." It's the little things that make holidays so dang special. You can just imagine my "Ay Carumba!" delight upon finding the following treats.

MUY CALIENTE! 

Now THIS is my kinda party ... extra salt. 

Cinco de Nike ... sólo lo hacen.

Senorita Boop? 

This bitch loves any reason to shake her maracas.

Nothing says "let's get wasted" more than eggs.

An ex-BF after wishing instant karma on him. 

(It's an improvement.)

My fave fruit turned Mexican flag.

Sick bastages.

Um ... NOT so much joy. 

(Referencing above-mentioned ex-BF.) 

This screams "Mrs. Doubtfire 2" ... 

Robin Williams needs all the help he can get.

Scary spice. (Cholula!)

WTF? NO CUERVO?

Really? Not funny.

Just. Stop. It.

No friggin' clue. 

(Copyright infringement on my sushi bikini? You decide.)

Einstein rocking his rendition of "Frito Bandito."

Krauts just wanna have fun.

Like this post?

PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO THE BLOG! xoxo