Monday, March 24, 2014


Dreaming of a personal style so over the top that even 122 carats won't cut it? Do your demands fall flat and keep you from seeing the light of Harry Winston? Is Sears your couturier of choice? (It seriously hurts to write those words, much less read them. Make it stop.) Fabulosity may come from the inside out, but it's the outside everyone judges (particularly other women). It's merely a matter of money.

Don't kid yourselves, head-to-toe beauty can be bought -- many Hollywood A-listers were beyond blah before making bank. Point is, enviable status is there for the taking if you're savvy enough to grab it. How can an average girl amp up her game? Being cutesy, loving, and evolved won't get you anywhere, especially private fitting rooms and a bevy of ass-kissers at Bergdorf's. Cast aside all that wholesome, white bread goodness crap, put on your Big Bitch panties, and listen up.

I've compiled a list of invaluable tips to help you get in touch with your inner "geishanista" because it's all about attitude more than anything else. We understand the importance of first impressions, so why not make each one utterly glam-tastic?

1. Start with the basics and learn your A, B, C, D's -- Atelier Versace, Balmain, Christian Dior, Dolce Gabbana, and so on. Say them out loud as if you gauged someone's eyes out for a front row seat at fashion week. Brush up on Couture 101, mein liebchens. You don't want a pop quiz taking you by surprise while looking like the people of Walmart, do you? (FYI, the answer is "NO.")

2. Eliminate the word "cheap" from your vocabulary. Even if your entire wardrobe comes from the bargain bin, you MUST pretend otherwise. (Cheap NEVER looks luxe, and that's the entire point of this article.) So until you've burned every last half-off schmatta, work on perfecting the facade. It's easy -- everyone in L.A. does. Buy one pricey piece and make it the focus of every single conversation so others start believing (if only because you've painfully shoved it down their throats) that you're an honest-to-goodness, real-life label whore.

3. Laugh out loud at every garish fashion faux pas -- as they pass by on the street. (Did I mention loudly? It's way too much fun ... pointing works too.) This will thwart your chances of becoming the wear-every-wacky-tacky-fad-at-once fashion victim and having others laugh at YOU.

4. Obsess over shoes ... especially when window shopping with promises of woo-woo in the air. This is a biggie. (Read "Foot Fetish ... Moi?") Anything bearing the Choo, Prada, or Louboutin label is a must-have, so just remember to playfully squeeze his hand and say, "Oooo, I have garters that match those perfectly!" Follow it with a wistful sigh and, "Oh well, wish I didn't love playing dress-up so much." BTW, here's a new mantra for all my sneaker-loving ladies -- the higher the heels, the closer to Gucci. (Which, in my case, is a deity.)

5. Always smell good ... and by good, I really mean anything that's a step up from dime store cologne. Think expensive and he'll treat you that way. Not that Hermes or Clive Christian tops your list, but splurging on something a bit more extravagant prevents you from reeking like an 80-year-old who got frisky with air freshener. Believe me, a memorable scent enhances your intrigue which, in turn, enhances your offshore account. Spritz away!

6. It don't mean a thing if he won't bring the bling. It's true. Plus, a diamond or two adds sufficient sparkle to anyone's day. Subtly let him know which jewelry was gifted from a hunky ex-boyfriend and watch him scurry off to Tiffany's to prove his rocks are bigger. Reward and repeat. (Perhaps I've stumbled onto the true meaning of the term "getting your rocks off"?)

7. While we're on the topic ... all that glitters BETTER BE REAL. Yup, diamonds are only a girl's best friend (and hence, you his) if they're not cubic zirconias in disguise. Go on, get that appraisal pronto. It will confirm your value in his eyes so you can ...

8. Date LOTS of daddies! A true geishanista can never have enough (you should see my closets), and sometimes that means double or even triple-dippin' on the joysticks. Just make sure Sugar Papi abides by the rules -- without his bank, you can't dress up. It's all about Saks an' sake bombs, bitches.

9. Introduce caviar, truffles, and other ridiculously pricey foods into your diet. Do your homework on the seductive powers of Foie Gras and give Mr. Big bonus points for feeding it to you while on a romantic weekend getaway in gay Paris (or Belize).

10. Brush your teeth with Dom, as in Perignon. Not only will folks think you're batshit cray-cray, but you'll be doing your part in helping with the drought, you little eco-friendly boo. Champagne baths border on badass as well -- throw in a few floating fruits, like strawberries, and you and your twisted mister are good to go.

11. Be the party girl. Ditch anything even remotely reminiscent of a Velma turtleneck, don some come-f*ck-me pumps, and hooch it up. Of course there's a reason for this temporary insanity, silly muffin -- you want him to want every other man to wish THEY could hit it. Talk about stroking egos. Eye candy's dandy, but payback like this is priceless. (Ok, it's akin to skyrocketing stock.) Re-read tips four through eight please. I size 0 ... in case you want to get me thank-you gift. (Size 2 simply sounded better in the song.)

12. Speaking of dressing up, DO IT -- even when you're home with the flu (or just your cat.) You never know who'll drop by with gourmet chicken soup from Dean & DeLuca and, perhaps, a shiny new bauble to make baby feel better. There, there, suck it up and spackle concealer under your nose. You gotta look damn glam blowing your honker.

13. Swinging-from-the-chandeliers sex hooks'em every time. Especially the shy, short, quiet, insecure, balding, and overweight ones. They've never had it so good, so anything even remotely Dita von Teese-ish will work. Let all hell break loose in a leather bustier and you might even give him a coronary (j/k), which translates into anything your devious little heart desires.

14. It is most definitely all about size -- size of his bank account, size of the diamonds, size of the square footage in your new Holmby Hills pad. Forget motion of the ocean and think weekly bank transfers in your name so you can live in the manner to which I'm helping you create. Jeez, aren't you lucky to have me around? (FYI, the answer is "YES.")

As Madonna once said, "People are afraid to say what they want. That's why they don't get what they want." Snap out of it and start flapping those yap holes. You'll thank bouzhee little me faster than you can sing, "Everybody's doin' it, everybody's doin' it!" xo

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