IN HONOR OF SEXY DONUTS EVERYWHERE

Hola Love Muffins! Did y'a miss me??! I've been sequestered away making new music (get ready for GEISHANISTA GO-GO!), but being that today's such an auspicious holiday, I had to chime in. Sorta.

It's National Donut Day ... ummm, "yay"? While the rest of the world salivates over heaping helpings of colorful Kentucky-fried dough (sorry, not a fan), I couldn't resist Googling "sexy donuts." One might surmise that the term "sexy donuts" is an oxymoron, but you're in for a fabulously freaky treat -- minus millions of empty calories. I know "sexy [INSERT RANDOM ITEM HERE]" is a running theme with me (see Sexy Strawberries), but get over it. Please. A girl can never have TOO MUCH FUN. And hot damn, I have a reputation to maintain.

Ours is a seriously sordid world and, keeping that in mind, it's only fair I get some sick twisted pleasure out of providing commentary on the random, albeit hilarious, pics that popped up. Consider it my "raison d'être." (You don't think I'd be joking about diamonds and daddies, do you? Well, do you? Exactly.)

Without further ado, we're off to see the blizzard of insanity. (A baker's dozen, no less.) Remember, these are supposed to be SEXY. Try not to guffaw. Dulce de leche and jelly and glazed -- OH MY!

WTF? No, seriously, WTF? Not a sexy donut in sight.

Unless you count those forehead implants. Add spikey

sprinkles and they're fresh out of the oven. Now that's hot.

If orange is the new black, then

Cheetos are the new donuts.

Ring-around-the-Long-John, anyone?

Hell, I'd be pissed too if some stupid dying douche

ate my last tequila ganache-filled confection.

Wait, I'm confoozled. Which is the donut ... and do we even wanna

know what's she filled with? Is cannibalism sexy? You decide. 

But first, run before she eats the entire gottdamned Internet.

From one extreme to ... SO many ways to go with 

this one (especially since she's squatting), but let's keep it 

semi SFW. Here she's not CFDA-naked OR a donut, but 

kudos to Ri-Ri and her f'g awesome SEO peeps once again. 

Guess where she's hiding the creme-filled?

Not sure 'bout you, but this screams DONUT to me. 

Technically, Dennis Leary is NOT a sexy donut.

That's just my opinion.

Neither is Robert Downey Jr., but diet schmiet. 

Who wouldn't take a bite outta that? Yum. (Call me.)

At first, I thought fugly, mismatched earrings ... BUT NO!!! 

They're Britney Spears-inspired sexy donuts. No sh*t.

Another "Where's Waldo?" conundrum. But isn't it fun in a

Chucky-chops-up-Rudolf-and-hides'im-in-your-stocking kinda way?

See what promises of sexy donuts do to 

sugar-starved horndogs? (And walking beanstalks.) 

All over some hoochie cruller in the front row.

Christy Creams ... of course she does. 

Hey, I didn't name her.

Today's pièce de résistance ... look ma, no teeth!

Enough said.

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SEXY STRAWBERRIES, INDEED.

Como estas, little wontons! How has YOUR week been? I'm in the midst of recording two brand-y new songs, planning music videos, endless writing, and just everyday world domination stuff vis a vis my "YEAR OF THE GEISHA" takeover. Not too babby (bad + shabby) for a quirky, middle-aged underdog with killer biceps. (God, I love saying that ... waaaaaay too much. Gotta stop.)

On to bigger and crazier news. There's something I discovered and seriously thought you all should know. It's not hella dope like Bob Marley's month-long birthday celebration or Die Antwoord and I leading parallel lives. Nope. Nothing beyond amazing like that.

Here goes: hold onto y'er tight little topknots kids because today, February 27, is ... National Strawberry Day. Yup. (Stop laughing. Please.) Who comes up with this crap? Beats me, but when it popped up I couldn't resist Googling "sexy strawberries" just for the hell of it. Say what?

IMO, anything can be sexy, as immortalized in College Humor's "Girls's Costume Warehouse" video (pronounced "girls-iz"), where Joeybaggadonuts hawks sexy mustard, sexy Jesus, and sexy mental patient costumes in Hackensack, New Jersey ... and you thought I was one chopstick short of a pair. You'll wet your pants watching, especially if you've ever known guys like that. (I have.) It never gets old -- that son of a bitch cracks me up every time. Yes, it's been more than once. He's hilarious. Jeez.

Back to the berry. Many of the image results screamed "9-1/2 Weeks" or "Fifty Shades of Grey" -- as expected. (Bust out the Cool Whip and we all know what's coming next. Wink, wink.) Alarmingly though, there were a few pics that proved, without batting either of my asymmetrical eyes, some people are simply SICK TWISTED FREAKS ... and to think strawberries are one of my most beloved fruits. Kink is one thing, but this is downright blasphemous. Have at it.

Drunken "straw-rgy." Really? 

Continuation of above. Anything looks good after too many vodka tonics.

The "Where's Waldo?" of strawberry pics. 

His great big berry's hiding in those briefs. Bring it on, grape boy.

WTF? Since when do strawberries look like Mr. Potato Head? 

See above for the "sexy mental patient" school of thought.

Proof I'm not the only one who thinks these things.

Dang ... Rihanna (not a strawberry) has some KICKASS SEO peeps on the payroll. 

At first glance, dried turds. A strawberry lover's dream. Yum.

Asian joke. On us. Again.

iPhone thongs. Another Asian joke, but who's counting?

Nothing sweet about this. More "Children of the Corn" than delicious fruit. 

(Please note the large KNIFE and strangely cocked head.) 

Speaking of cocked, the piece de resistance ...

Behold ... the BONERBERRY. That's right. Carole Cullen, a British housekeeper from Kent, England, picked an absolute treasure that "looked like a man's naughty bits." The mother of two admitted "it was a tad small" and wished it had grown bigger (we understand), but couldn't resist plucking the little pecker anyway. She promptly popped it in her, um, fridge for a charity raffle. (That's what she said.) Well played, Mrs. Cullen. Strawberry Fields will NEVER be the same. xo

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