GET READY TO ROCK SPRING'S HOTTEST TRENDS!

Spring has sprung and though there may still be snow in some spots (hear my tiny violin playing?) it's time to start thinking about bikinis, boys, and beach blanket BLING-O! (Okay, maybe not in that order.) IMO, lounging poolside drenched in gallons of glitz is the shizz ... especially with a bevy of buff man-candies catering to my every whim. See how that's done? Bikinis, boys, bling -- boom, all in one shot.

Now for the finer points. (Listen up chicas, this is key.) Real bikini bliss means the teenier the better. (I can't believe I just said that.) Burn those bandeaus, maillots, and tank suits. Why? Because they make me shudder? No sillies, smaller gets you bigger, and I ain't talkin' gherkins. Big as in rocks -- the sparkly kind. This concept's easy, but hopefully you're not. (Make'em work for it, love muffins.)

Speaking of bling, break out the big baubles because itsy-bitsy bikinis alone just won't cut it. Who needs SPF 20 when there's 22K? Think blinding brilliance. Think strappy heels and spray tans. Think diamond-encrusted toe thongs. Okay, maybe that's way too much thinking for you, but damn girl, women exist to be memorable. Haven't the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" taught you anything?

For those plebeian times when we venture away from the cabana and don actual clothing (ugh, must we?), I've comprised a checklist of spring 2014's top fashion trends. Word of caution -- I'm showing you the BEST (designer duds) examples right off the runways. It's up to YOU to figure out if you even come close. There's a finely stitched line between true style and white trash wonderland. What's a geishanista to do? Besides running back to the pool? MAKE IT WORK PEOPLE!

He masters making it work.

1. Crop Tops
Every muffin top's nightmare is that mofo crop top. (Unless you're Kate Moss or the people of Walmart.) Here's a crazy question ... WHO makes these freakin' decisions? Is it kinda like a Seventh Avenue Illuminati plot to eliminate weaker, fashion faux pas-wearing fools? Tread wisely.

Diane von Furstenberg ... cropped to perfection.

2. Fringe
Is this the wild, wild vest? Don't get me wrong -- I keep up with trends just like any other gold-blooded geishanista. But when said trends take a nosedive into making me look like a bad 70's sitcom or, more specifically, that little ginger kid in "The Partridge Family," then I rest my case. Just stop it. Please.

Roberto Cavalli is a fringed god.

3. Holographic Clothing
Beam me up, bitches! Perhaps if you're Captain Kirk this Klingon-inspired garb could be cool, but any trend that remotely intrigues Trekkies or suits William Shatner (at any age) does not suit me. Period.

Jonathan Saunders is outta this world.

4. Sheer
Call it a heyday for pervs, but I say see-through's been done. Relentlessly. The only ones falling for it (yet again) are those who really shouldn't ... and it ain't pretty. Sigh. Fashion repeats itself, but let's put this one out of its misery.

J. Mendel shows how to shine in sheer. 

5. Trench
Wanna buy a watch? Again, perv city. That is all.

Michael Kors does trench right.

6. Mesh
Everybody spread the word, we're gonna have a cel-e-bra-tion! Oh, wait, what? Now that was a tangent. Madonna called and wants her fingerless gloves back. Enough said.

Vera Wang makes mesh magic.

7. Tribal Trippin'
I'm all for marching to the beat of a global drum, but do the fashion powers-that-be make a pact to puke up the most unrelated concepts possible, deem them as trends, and see who's suckered into it just to amuse themselves? I'm guessing "Yes."

Givenchy makes tribal tres glam.

8. Athletic Looks
If Varsity wasn't my thing in middle school, what makes anyone think I'd go for it now? Let's leave gym clothes in, um, the gym, thank you. Plus, this creates a cross-trending travesty when mesh is added to the mix -- like the athlete's foot fungus of the fashion world. I rest my case.

RA-RA-SIS-BOOM-VICTORIA! Beckham, that is.

9. Bright Colors
Is New Wave making a resurgence? Must I break out the mohawk? I bet Andre Leon Talley's laughing his Cavallis off at anyone making this Flock-of-Seagulls flub.

Orange is the new black at Hermes.

10. Culottes
Fugly then, fuglier now. Done and done.

Uber-cool leather culottes from Mulberry.

NOTE:
I actually invented the word "fugly" (don't play dumb) back in the 1980s and have witnesses ... kind of like MY original joke, "Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?" Answer: "Because it was dead." I made that up one night at a bar while walking around telling twisted jokes. I didn't really have answers to any of the random questions I asked complete strangers, which is why "Because it was dead" became my go-to fave. Years later, a comedy club promoter told me that my first attempt at standup (hey, I was walking around!) was one of the biggest jokes on the party circuit. Imagine that. Who knew vodka and cranberry could unleash comedic genius?

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CELEBRATING MARVIN GAYE!

I grew up loving and listening to the ultimate Prince of Soul, Marvin Gaye. In the 1950's (waaaaay before my time, bitches), the R&B legend joined a group called The New Moonglows, where his three-octave vocal range garnered the attention of Motown's Berry Gordy ... and the rest is history.

Marvin's Moonglow Days

FUN FACT: Marvin actually began his Motown career behind-the-scenes as a drummer for The Supremes, Stevie Wonder, The Marvellettes, and Martha and the Vandellas. It wasn't until 1962 (still before my time) that he produced his first solo hit, "Hitch Hike." In addition to vocals and drums, Marvin was a keyboard, percussion, and synthesizer whiz.

EVEN FUNNIER FACT: I began my career behind-the-scenes as a writer for one of the major Hollywood studios' online divisions. (Yawn.) Red carpet interviews and tentpole articles weren't the yin to my yang ... so I started writing wacky songs.  It wasn't until 2013 that I produced my very first solo hit (I'll let you be the judge), "GEISHA-MANIA!" In addition to my signature scream-laugh, I'm a shoe, bling, and high-style whiz. The rest is also history.

Marvin and Little Stevie Wonder

"I Heard It Through the Grapevine," "How Sweet It Is," and "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" had me hooked on soul. As a young geishanista, I'd dance around my tiny bedroom, hair brush in hand, singing my off-key little heart out in front of the mirror. Marvin famously partnered with Diana Ross and Tammi Terrell -- Marvin and Tammi ruled as the Royal Couple of R&B. When she died of a brain tumor in 1970, Marvin almost abandoned music altogether. I think I can safely speak for the entire world -- we're so lucky he didn't.

Marvin called Tammi his "perfect [musical] partner."

"Sexual Healing" was practically my rite of passage -- it was totally ON. Talk about geisha on a hot Bronx roof. I'd play it over and over and over again while gyrating around with my eyes closed. Scary, right? Marvin helped shape the sound of Motown and fueled this pasty white girl's lifelong lust for love muffins. Needless to say, I was -- and still am -- obsessed.

Today would have been Marvin's 75th birthday. Seems like only yesterday I'd turn on the radio and hear his sultry voice. Let's celebrate Marvin's legacy... he left us way too soon, but his genius lives on forever. xo

Happy Birthday Mr. Marvin Gaye ... RIP. xo

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HANGOVER HELPER

Got hangover? Shopping's my wonder drug of choice. Like men and their motors, wandering about Bloomies is my kind of road rally. It revs me when I'm down, de-stresses after long days, and proves shoes can change the world — all while kicking Papi to the curb for extra closet space. (Plus it's 100% legal with no telltale odor.) But back to your queasy self.

For all my little boozers who imbibed just a tad too much and can't move (much less shop), here are some of the world's most bizarre hangover cures. Headaches, nausea, dehydration, and the ilk will laugh themselves right out of your body. Then fire up the credit card because you've got some real work to do. Cheers!

1. Pickled Herring

If it's endorsed by the Germans, you know it works. They don't f*ck around, so just eat the damn things. 

2. Sour Pickle Juice

The Polish believe high levels of electrolytes repair the liver after living it up. Just don't ask how many pickles it takes to screw in a lightbulb.

3. Tripe Soup

Evidently, in Romania, a cow's stomach lining is a methane-tooting miracle when you're sloshed.

4. Umeboshi Plums

One guess where these originate. The Japanese even steep the little puckers in green tea to let the salty, sour goodness kick them in the ass sip after sip. Ew.

5. Shrimp

In Mexico, this "Vuelva a la Vida" (return to life) food gets'em dancing on the tables after a night of, um, dancing on the tables. Go figure.

6. Boiled Banana Peel

Yum ... who doesn't have several stinky ones strewn around the house? Ancient Chinese secrets are so silly. BTW, you drink the liquid after boiling the peel rather than eat the mushy mess. Equally fun. 

7. Salted Coffee

No explanation necessary. I'd listen to any country that produces a fashion wunderkind like Gaultier — regardless of how snarky they are. Does that come in size 0? Merci.

8. Deep-fried Canaries

Those cray-cray ancient Romans. When you start giving Tweety the evil eye, mankind is one small step closer to its cannibalistic doom. Grab some Pepto and call it a day.

9. Lemons and Limes

Not in any way what you're thinking. Rub these fruits under your armpits like the Puerto Ricans for round-the-clock hangover protection ... and a cool citrus-y scent.

10. Cold Lemon Water

Minus the whack factor of the others, this is a REAL and very personal cure (as if I invented water and lemons). Seems contradictory if your tummy's flip-flopping, but the L-Word works wonders after guzzling one too many geisha-ritas. Crazy, eh? xo

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SEXY STRAWBERRIES, INDEED.

Como estas, little wontons! How has YOUR week been? I'm in the midst of recording two brand-y new songs, planning music videos, endless writing, and just everyday world domination stuff vis a vis my "YEAR OF THE GEISHA" takeover. Not too babby (bad + shabby) for a quirky, middle-aged underdog with killer biceps. (God, I love saying that ... waaaaaay too much. Gotta stop.)

On to bigger and crazier news. There's something I discovered and seriously thought you all should know. It's not hella dope like Bob Marley's month-long birthday celebration or Die Antwoord and I leading parallel lives. Nope. Nothing beyond amazing like that.

Here goes: hold onto y'er tight little topknots kids because today, February 27, is ... National Strawberry Day. Yup. (Stop laughing. Please.) Who comes up with this crap? Beats me, but when it popped up I couldn't resist Googling "sexy strawberries" just for the hell of it. Say what?

IMO, anything can be sexy, as immortalized in College Humor's "Girls's Costume Warehouse" video (pronounced "girls-iz"), where Joeybaggadonuts hawks sexy mustard, sexy Jesus, and sexy mental patient costumes in Hackensack, New Jersey ... and you thought I was one chopstick short of a pair. You'll wet your pants watching, especially if you've ever known guys like that. (I have.) It never gets old -- that son of a bitch cracks me up every time. Yes, it's been more than once. He's hilarious. Jeez.

Back to the berry. Many of the image results screamed "9-1/2 Weeks" or "Fifty Shades of Grey" -- as expected. (Bust out the Cool Whip and we all know what's coming next. Wink, wink.) Alarmingly though, there were a few pics that proved, without batting either of my asymmetrical eyes, some people are simply SICK TWISTED FREAKS ... and to think strawberries are one of my most beloved fruits. Kink is one thing, but this is downright blasphemous. Have at it.

Drunken "straw-rgy." Really? 

Continuation of above. Anything looks good after too many vodka tonics.

The "Where's Waldo?" of strawberry pics. 

His great big berry's hiding in those briefs. Bring it on, grape boy.

WTF? Since when do strawberries look like Mr. Potato Head? 

See above for the "sexy mental patient" school of thought.

Proof I'm not the only one who thinks these things.

Dang ... Rihanna (not a strawberry) has some KICKASS SEO peeps on the payroll. 

At first glance, dried turds. A strawberry lover's dream. Yum.

Asian joke. On us. Again.

iPhone thongs. Another Asian joke, but who's counting?

Nothing sweet about this. More "Children of the Corn" than delicious fruit. 

(Please note the large KNIFE and strangely cocked head.) 

Speaking of cocked, the piece de resistance ...

Behold ... the BONERBERRY. That's right. Carole Cullen, a British housekeeper from Kent, England, picked an absolute treasure that "looked like a man's naughty bits." The mother of two admitted "it was a tad small" and wished it had grown bigger (we understand), but couldn't resist plucking the little pecker anyway. She promptly popped it in her, um, fridge for a charity raffle. (That's what she said.) Well played, Mrs. Cullen. Strawberry Fields will NEVER be the same. xo

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WHAT DO A GEISHA-NISTA™ FROM THE BRONX AND BOB MARLEY HAVE IN COMMON?

Fitting as yesterday would have been his 69th birthday, I came across a "10-things-you-didn't-know-about" Bob Marley story that blew my tight little topknot ten feet high. The similarities between "Tuff Gong" (that would be Bob) and this bling-lovin' "Geishanista" (that would be me) are beyond AMAZEBALLS. Of course, I had to share.

Let's get right down to it — he loves reggae, I love reggae. Yup. I'd even bake a red, yellow, and green-striped cake in honor of the endless hours spent listening to "Rastaman Vibration" back in the day, but we all know that could end badly ... and I'm not talkin' funny brownies. Nothin' says lovin' like hemp-glazed goodies, but ovens are bastions of pure Bavarian evil at its Black Forest best. Think Hansel and Gretel. (See German reference below.)

Aside from both of us being singer/songwriters with measurable disdain for "The Man," what could Bob and I possibly have in common? Jump aboard the Zion Train and compare the deets ... simply put, you'll be bowled over. (No pun intended.)

BOB MARLEY:
Iconic Rastafarian reggae superstar. Jamaican legend. Philanthropist. Dad.

LADY GEISHA:
Fabulous, quirky underdog with killer biceps. Comedic rapper. Label whore. Mom.

So far, crazy, right? For starters, everyone knows what he was smokin', yet no one's quite sure what my deal is. Heh-heh. (A stretch, perhaps, but SUCH a kawinkydink.) Next in a long line of implausible parallels, he hated his birth name, Nesta Robert Marley. BINGO! I hate mine too. (Not tellin'.) Hence, why I answer to any and all of the following: Lady Geisha, Lady G, Lady G-lo (me an' Jenny are both from Bronx blocks), or LG. Or Yakeii Tiesha. Or Zoe Black. Or Zo-Zo, as a friend affectionately calls me. (Is there some sick subliminal Bozo reference there? Not quite sure, though you'll never catch me in an orange wig.)

Moving on to commonality number three ... Bob possessed the ability to read palms starting at age four. (Much to his mother's shock--and horror--when his predictions actually came true.) Moi? I have psychic dreams in which I telecommunicate with people. Sure as I'm one chopstick short of a pair, the very next day that dream plays out in real life. I kid you not. (There are witnesses.)

Both TG and I had childhood demons which made us even tougher. Bob was known by Kingston peeps as a "white boy"because he was bi-racial. (His dad, Norval Marley, was a Euro-Jamaican of British heritage.) Growing up in the Bronx, I was known as "twiggy legs" for having super skinny legs like Twiggy's. (The 1960's model.) Clearly it was due to my pasty "white girl" half-German, half-Irish descent. Uncanny, eh? That's what I said.

Here's another biggie. Bob, quite the ladies man, had one famous, albeit slightly overused, pick-up line. "Yuh wan have ma baby?" charmed countless women right out of their tams. (Evidently it worked. He has 11 confirmed children, three with wife Rita.) Though I wouldn't exactly call it a "pick-up line," one of MY all-time favorites is "So you've heard of me?" after strange men say my name upon meeting. Boy, the stories I could tell. (One confirmed child.)

Having grown up in poverty, Bob was uber-generous once he attained success, and supported many less fortunate. Let's just say I, too, grew up appreciating every damn dime. To that point, I'm currently working on geisha-tastic projects that will enable me to contribute to various charities, specifically those supporting single parents, women, gay/lesbian rights, animals, and the creative arts. What the ...? We could've been twins. Just sayin'.

Lastly, one of Bob's most famous quotes is "Love the life you live. Live the life you love." Well, SHUT UP -- THAT'S MY FAVE QUOTE EVER! Can you believe it? Talk about six degrees of separation. It's like we had the same brain.

During my punk-rock-girl-pack days at Irving Plaza's reggae nights in NYC, I had no clue Bob and I were such simpatico souls. His lyrics lingered in my strangely shaven head over and over and over -- like smoke circles. (Another coincidence? I think not.)  The signs were all there, but I'd been blinded by mohawks in a sea of dreads.

If anyone ever told me how much we had in common, I'd never have left Montego Bay during a spring break vacay with a wacked-out Sicilian BF. F*ck that maan, I could've partied with BOB and, IMO, we could've made beautiful music together. Could you see me as a Wailer?  No, really. (Mwahahaha.)

Luckily, I can still relive those days via several very well-worn cassette tapes that survived the decades since. It's easy breezy to kick back, play the songs, and light one up (an aroma therapy candle, that is ... what were YOU thinking?), yet somehow this newfound knowledge of our special connection presents me with a higher responsibility to honor this talented man. To honor his music. To honor the political angst. To honor "US."

As I'm set to record two new songs this month, maybe, just maybe, I'll mull over a potential third. Now, and this could be a stretch, is anyone up for "GANJA-MANIA"? ('Cuz we know damn well "Everybody's doin' it, everybody's doin' it!")

TGIF, BITCHES!
xo

Don't forget to check out my new website and online store to shop for Valentine's Day gifts ... there's GEISHA GEAR FOR ALL!

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