For Mothers Everywhere ... Love, Me

It's Mother's Day and I can't think of a better way to celebrate than by giving a shout-out to some of my fave moms of all time -- including my mother and myself! From funny, cool, and uber-sexy pop culture royalty to actual blue-blooded child-bearers, the maternal instincts exuded by these hot mamas always makes me smile. How totally fabulous is that?

1. Morticia Addams
First off, I actually wanted to BE Morticia. How hot was she, wiggling around in that slinky black number, with her long black mane and boobs a-burstin', driving her crazy-wealthy-crazy husband insane? Dang. Gomez was surely under her spell, but it was his "Cara Mia's" sharp-as-a-razor wit and blasé attitude that sealed the deal for me. Morticia was absolute perfection -- and her mothering skills? Wednesday and Pugsley weren't complaining.

2. Samantha Stevens
Sam was sexy, funny, and possessed some pretty awesome powers. Who else could travel back and forth in time, turn people into toads (or any other animal), concoct potions, and make riches appear with the twitch of her nose? Let's just say Tabitha was one lucky little witch. I'd practice the nose aerobics for hours to no avail, but what perplexed me most was why the hell she stuck with either Darrin. York or Sargent, could they have chosen more derpy dudes? Ewww.

3. Endora
Who didn't adore Endora? Dripping in drag queen glam, menacingly powerful, and so damn over the top there was never a top in sight. Ever. Nothing was sacred. (Tee-hee!) Endora perfected the art of being wonderfully wicked ... and I loved her protectiveness toward Samantha. Talk about f*cking FIERCE. I secretly wished that she'd replace Darrin with Major Nelson ("I Dream of Jeannie") or some other hunk, but that was just my opinion. (I know, I need to get over it.)

4. Mrs. Gloop
"Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory" (Gene Wilder version) is one of my all-time faves -- SUCH a fun flick. The original characters were absolutely brilliant ... so much so, that quoting them never gets old. Why Mrs. Gloop? Well, what can I say but, "Au-goo-tus, sveet-heart, save some rrrhoom for lay-tahhh!" "You've boiled him up, I knowww it!" "He'll be made into marshmallows in five seconds!" "You're not sqveezing me sthrough zat tiny door!" OMFG. Pure genius. I, for one, can't get enough.

5. Mrs. Teevee
"I serve all his TV dinners right here. He's never even been to the table." "I assume there's an accident indemnity clause." "Somebody's touching me!" Enough said.

6. Cher
After finally getting over the fact I couldn't BE Cher, for a brief fleeting moment I wanted to be Chastity Bono so I could, at the very least, have access to mommy's killer Bob Mackie collection. (I'd even resigned myself to wearing a wig 'cuz my hair never grew that long.) Aside from the fact that Chastity was an adorable towhead (blondes do have more fun -- I've been both and can attest to this), Cher seemed to be such a loving, doting mama. (I still love how she loves her kids.) IMO, clothes and anything my heart desired? WIN-WIN.

7. Carol Brady
Who didn't want a perky, smiling soccer mom who ran around town in Pucci-esque mini dresses? (I did.) Carol had it goin' on with her frosted shag 'do, hot little bod, handsome architect hubby, sprawling ranch-style home, and not one damn worry in the world. Plus, she had ALICE! Partners-in-crime don't get much better. Those kids seriously scored.

8. Clair Huxtable
You just don't f*ck with Claire. She's a lawyer and will sue your ass, chew it up, and spit you out -- all before her morning OJ. God I loved her.

9. Miss Ellie
Miss Ellie was the only one who could control J.R. Ewing -- now that's a testament to true power. (Are you picking up on the power theme yet?) Plus, she lived on a gorgeous estate and everyone loved her to bits. "Mama" was the kind of old Texan lady that you don't mess with. She could shoot you with her eyes closed and walk over your dead carcass for afternoon tea.

10. Sue Ellen Ewing
She had zero backbone, was a lush, and sucked as a wife, but Sue Ellen was all about mothering (sometimes smothering) John Ross. And her Bill Travilla wardrobe. And money. I like that.

11. Lucille Bluth
There is a God and she has one helluva sense of humor. If I'd grown up with Lucille Bluth, lord only knows how much funnier (or f*d up) I'd be. Hmmmmm. Let's just say therapy doesn't hurt. Her subpar mothering skills are no match for her finely honed sarcasm, which trumps tuna casserole any day.

12. Princess Diana
Shy Di did it her way -- and raised two altruistic sons any mom would be proud of. All while flipping off the entire monarchy. Gotta love ballsy blue bloods with a fantastic sense of style. The whole world loved her and so do I. Still.

13. Jackie Kennedy
Style, beauty, grace ... this fashion-forward First Lady epitomized American royalty. She was a stoic and protective mother to John Jr. and Caroline, as well as an iconic role model to millions. Add me to the list of fans with a JK girl crush!

14. My Mom
What can I say besides how much I love her? She's my best friend, confidante, biggest cheerleader, and never tires of hearing my voice. (Okay, I'm sure she does, but she never lets on.) Born in the Bronx, my mother's taught me selflessness, loyalty, and a NYC-bred fierceness that has made me the woman I am today. Plus, she's ever-supportive and kinda thinks I'm the funniest thing since sliced bread. Mom tells all her senior pals (as well as peeps on the street) all about her daughter's wacky music video. Bless her heart. Thank you Mom, for everything. I love you.

15. Me
Well I admit, I've given mothering my own twist and have somehow succeeded. (For the most part.) Of course, being a mom is a partnership of sorts -- I wouldn't be writing these words if my life hadn't been touched by the angel that came into my life 20+ years ago. I'd relive every single second to have you as you are today. Thank you my darling. I love you and am surely one very lucky mama.

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FOOT FETISH ... MOI?!

Since it's my beloved "TGI Foot Fetish Friday," I have a filthy little secret to confess. (I'm really a pasty white girl and not Asian at all? Why screw with your bewilderment? It's waaay too much fun.)

Here goes. I'm head over heels over ... heels. Like kryptonite. Yes, you heard correctly and it's totally true — shoes are my crack, smack, and whack all in one. (Is whack even slang for a drug? No matter, falling in love with a new Italian designer is like someone whacking me upside the head. Same thing.) Talk about a contact high. The second those puppies hit my puppies, a euphoria rushes over my body like none other. Move over Mary Jane, there's a new Mary Jane in town.

Wait, there's more. Hard as it is for me to divulge, I actually, hear me out, quiver at the mere sight of come-f'ck-me black patent ... and don't even get me started on kid suede. Two words: multiple glam-gasms. (For days). Oh my. So it makes perfect sense why I'm totally hooked on men hooked on my feet — especially when clad in strappy little numbers that reveal a sufficiently sexy amount of toe cleavage. Trust me love muffins, they're ALL into my feet. (And my rockstar pedicure.) Ancient Chinese secret or TMI from pasty white? Nope, just merely stating the facts. Whoever invented the term "shoe porn" was the Einstein of what really renders a woman powerless. Is there a Nobel Prize for that kind of brilliance? ('Cuz he/she earned it. In spades. Make that Kate Spades.)

This delicious level of dependence can't be rehabilitated through hypnosis, shock treatment (OMFG, they don't have my size!), or even the most rigorous 12-step program. Imagine standing before a group of poor souls struggling to banish their demons and admitting my insatiable desire for D'Orsay? Thanks but no thanks. Am I worried about spiraling into the depths of overdose-dom? Hell to the no. You can keep your clean living, bitches. As long as I'm sporting the latest Louboutins, I'll be the happiest (and most fashion-forward) junkie to ever buckle up a T-strap. Just watch me.

Since I was a just wee geishanista back in the Bronx, every pump, platform, boot, shootie, flat, flip-flop, slingback, stiletto, wedge or Wellie has held me spellbound. (Even though I despise rain, we must look smashing in it.) My aunties' closets were the absolute Holy Grail — all filled with fabulous shoe collections just waiting for my child-sized feet to explore. I'd be transfixed for hours, parading around in ankle straps, kitten heels, and a motherload of mules. It was endless. Dinner came and went and I never knew. Ferragamos were my food of choice.

In fact, I've been known to lay down a nice chunk o' change on a plethora of peep toes all in one sitting rather than go grocery shopping. (The sales peeps know me by name ... how sweet is that?) I mean, what better ambrosia than a bejeweled Badgley Mischka? What tortellini's more tantalizing than a super-sized serving of Stella McCartney thigh highs? Bring it on. So don't hate me 'cuz I'm skinny ... just blame my love for leather.

During pre-production for GEISHA-MANIA, I was seriously out of control — rows of Roberto Cavallis called my name. Stacks of Giuseppe Zanotti boxes started piling up. At one point there were 30 pairs of shoes — just for a damn three-minute video (not counting my own massive collection, of course). I'd hit rock bottom and my poor stylist was forced to stage an intervention. She failed. I kept buying. It was absolutely glorious.

Problem is, after the final cut was finished, you can't even see the shoes! My darling babies were pretty much pushed clear out of frame and banished into oblivion. I say conspiracy, but director Luciano Fontana claims artistic integrity. I'm sure I'm right, but you know how Sicilians get. I'll give him this round, cause there's always GEISHANISTA GO-GO, my upcoming music video. Wait till you see the kooky kaleidoscope of bling, fashion, fun, and wacky rap. And all-important shoes. So, Mr. Director, we shall see who wins this next battle ... you or the shoes? My money's on the Manolos ... they totally kick ass. xo

See what I mean?

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HAPPY NATIONAL MARGARITA DAY!

Upon awakening on the most hallowed of holidays--National Margarita Day--let's take a moment to honor the true meaning of this auspicious occasion. Hmmm. Actually, there's not much history to honor, according to the Huff Post -- and if they can't find a story explaining how the holiday came to be, I won't waste time trying to dig something up. There's just too damn much drinking to do ... and it's only noon.

FACT: we do know that both the U.S. and Mexico claim dibs on designing the luscious libation -- even though tequila is definitely a Mexican liquor invented after the Spanish conquest. In Mexico. Just sayin'. Here's what I think -- who gives a flying lime where it came from? As long as there are numerous salt-rimmed glasses in sight, I can deal. (See pic below.)

What's in the concoction everyone's clamoring to claim their own? Simple recipes include tequila, lime juice, grenadine, creme de cassis, ice and soda, but there are as many iterations as there are flavors. There are so many cool recipes to try, but personally, I haven't had one I didn't love--classic, mango, strawberry, watermelon--though a Caliente Kiss is next on the list. 

My fave? Well, they're kinda like children -- all totally sweet, fun to be around, and enrich the quality of your life without even knowing. So, so, so hard to pick one over the other. Just keep'em coming. (Preferably on the beach, served by a shirtless buff cabana boy. Double yum.) 

As people all over Los Angeles, and the entire country, start slurping away like there's no such thing as a weekly Margarita Monday (there is), I pose just one question: who's bitchin' enough to dream up the perfect Lady Geisha margarita? It has to be sweet (like me), sparkly (like me), and have a quirky twist (def like me). Talk amongst yourselves, rev those blenders, and invite me to come try it! I just may include you and your tres fab recipe in one of my upcoming books. (Probably yes. Wink, wink.)

So whether you enjoy'em classic, slushy, or via ice pop form, make sure to imbibe wholeheartedly -- and often. All day long. We're not only celebrating National Margarita Day, but America as a whole. I mean, what other country is fickle enough to deem an alcoholic drink worthy of national recognition after enforcing prohibition? Seems like we should really be gearing up for National 420 Day, no? xo

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YOU'RE TOO SEXY FOR YOURSELF!

Listen to Dita my darlings ... don’t let the Eeyores, peasants, or trolls make you feel anything less than fabulous. It's a state of mind. Hold onto it with all you've got 'cuz you're all you have. Allowing miserable naysayers to screw with your head to make themselves feel better is your fault, capeesh? Put on your big girl panties and simply don't let it affect you. Besides, who has time for bad juju? 

I'm the perfect example of how age, shape, or size doesn’t matter. My tagline reads "quirky, middle-aged underdog with killer biceps" -- not conventionally beautiful, young, or a traditional singer. (If anything, I'm self-aware. And hell, I have great guns.) People scratch their heads at what I’m doing. They just don't get it, but I’ll smoke a wasabi bong before THAT stops me. (Plus, my skin's Bronx-bred tough, so have at it bitches.) I've already paid my dues and played by the rules. Now it's time to break a few. There’s no age limit on having fun … I just did it in a sushi bikini. 

So don those proverbial sushi bikinis chicas, and throw caution to gravity, curves, or a number -- it’s what you feel inside that matters. God knows I FEEL 20 so, hypothetically, I AM acting my age. Confucius say, "When you believe in yourself, music videos get made." (Bet'cha thought he'd go the warm 'n' fuzzy "the-rest-of-the-universe-will-too" route. Duh.)

Stay tuned for GEISHA-NISTA-GO-GO™ this spring ... I'm collaborating with one hella dope rap artist, and you will NOT believe how bitchin' we are.

BTW, DON'T FORGET TO BE LIKE A PITBULL WITH A STEAK WHEN IT COMES TO FOLLOWING YOUR DREAMS ... THERE ARE NO DO-OVERS! xo

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GONG XI FA CAI!

With new music, GEISHA-ON-THE-STREET videos, books, merch, and more, I've got lots of little surprises up my sleeve -- but nothing dangerous! (Well, let's hope not.)

So stay tuned for THE YEAR OF THE GEISHA! (Don't say you weren't warned.) xo

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